Chandelier...Further In

Chandelier...Further In

For those of you who are just tuning in this is (in part) about my first large commission which is a 3 foot diameter octagonal chandelier.

Some of my first errors were not discovered until well into the project. I didn't know that they were my first errors at the time. In hindsight earlier realizations would have been better, but regardless they would still have been errors made and missed at the beginning.

Almost every time I realize one of these mistakes (at the moment this is still an ongoing project I am struggling with) it has thrown me into a depression. Generally I am pretty low-key and fairly calm. On this project I have thrown my hands up and cursed and had to walk away, (- and go for a looong walk-) countless times. There has been the odd mistake that has galvanized my will to solve the problem and move forward, but mostly it has gone the other way.

That has been one of the harder things for me. I try to be pretty resilient. I try to be pretty optimistic. On this project my ability to be those things has been almost non-existent. And that is important to recognize for anyone who suffers these cycles. Why has this been so difficult for me? Well, let's see...there are all those factors that I outlined briefly that life has thrown at me...all that change. That is likely a big part of it. All those things take a toll. Beyond that though, this is the challenge I've always avoided. This is me facing the thing I thought I couldn't do. And at every turn so far, it has proved me right. That is why it has been so important that I keep coming back.

Truth is, though, that courage to come back takes way more time to work up than I'd like. 

I fill those gaps with work, and with life.   Sometimes there are no gaps to be filled, there is just work, or life...

There is the original slump of depression, and the best way to shake that is to get busy. If I were more experienced, or perhaps just better I might try to shake it by getting busy with the chandelier, but I am just not that resilient.

So there are big gaps of time between each and every stage of the project. Those gaps all have reasons that sound like excuses – and they sound like excuses because I guess they are. The biggest reason that the gaps are there is because it takes me time to work up the courage to try again, and to solve the problem that I have created. 

Unfortunately, by doing that I am creating new problems. The gaps mean this project has been worked in bits and pieces, in fits and starts (literally.) Being away from the project, I lose sight of it. I forget little details. There is no flow.

Often, I forget a crucial detail that I had figured out last time I worked on it – or fix an error only to re-create it in a new and exciting way because I remember that I fixed it...and then neglect to take it into consideration for the next step.

And then there are the tangible problems to wrestle through...

There was another element that I thought would be easy that turned out to be nearly impossible – dependent on the timing. The light source. Yes, this is a chandelier and I knew it would be important (I'm not quite that daft.) What I didn't realize was that finding just the right light source to fit was going to be quite so hard. I did know what I needed and what I wanted. I didn't realize it would be so close to being unavailable or non-existent in the trends of lighting design. Particularly given the size.

When I began the project I had seen several fixtures that would have worked. By the time I got into the project none of them were on the market anymore.

The piece is a 3 foot diameter...if the light fixture is made for a normal household lighting fixture the light will all be centred around a fairly small area in the centre. This piece also needs enough light to penetrate the art glass and still give the desired amount of light, so it needs to be multiple bulbs...as close to 8 as possible since it is an octagon. Strangely this is not easy to find without paying for someone else's design or paying for an electrician to not only build the thing but then get it certified....oops.

If I ever do a lighting project again – and for all its difficulites I am intrigued to do something (smaller perhaps!) - I would buy the light fixture first and design around it. I am sure that anyone with sense would do just that...but as this is my first rodeo, it wasn't something I had thought would present quite as much of a problem as it has.

So far I have solved the fixture problem, but the at time of writing, the attachment problem is still looming before me. I'm sure there will be a lot of learning opportunities involved in that as well. I have some ideas now, but whether they will be realistic ones is entirely another matter.

Chandelier - The Preamble

 Chandelier - The Preamble...

The thing that caused me to re-start this blog in the first place is largely the same thing that started me in on the realization that writing about the depressive cycle so many of us face is part of the parcel. This business – particularly the metalworking end of it has not been a full-time venture for me so far. There are a number of reasons for that and the plain truth is that – whether I realized it or not – that depressive cycle is one of them. Time is one – I also have a longstanding career in the theatre industry....but being the theatre industry and given the area I work in, that has only very rarely provided me with full time employment. So I've filled in the gaps as something of a dog's body and girl friday...but my hope has always been that I could fill more of it in with the various facets of the creative side of Elfworks, particularly the metalworking.

As I write this I am working my way through the largest commission I have ever had, and the sheer amount of learning that has forced me into was the thrust to start writing this blog. The truth about the full impact that the depressive cycle has on me and my ability to work is one of the biggest realizations I've come to.

At the point I am writing this the project is so overdue and so different from what was in my hopes that I don't even know if the customers will still want it. But the truth is that I have to finish it if I don't want it to be the thing that stops me doing this forever.

There are so many reasons for it being overdue that come out sounding like excuses to me. Yes, it is true that I have had work contracts in my theatre job, that I moved, that I have travelled, that there has been a wave of people who have passed away – it is true that life has happened with a vengeance during this commission. It is absolutely true that I have had my life undergo change in pretty much every area of my existence and once it had turned a complete 360 it went another 190 degrees in each of the areas just for good measure. But so what? How much leeway do I get for life? Everyone has stuff happen.

Each of those things have built their own delays in to the project. And each time I came back to the project at hand those delays have caused doubt and depression and fear. Which has caused more delays.

And then there are the errors.

There are many errors – and I will try to make this as coherent as I can as I work through my meal of hunble pie...

The piece is a large octagonal chandelier, with art glass inserts (like windowpanes). And it is not going smoothly.

I'm taking a risk here...people reading this blog might well decide that if I didn't even know that much I am not the person they want to buy anything from. At this moment, I'm not sure I blame them. However, up until now most everything I have done has been more about form than function. I have not had to construct anything. My strong suit is masks and jewellery and small decorative objects. So this is a significant jump for me...from a bracelet to a 3 foot chandelier. Some of the reason I haven't done anything else like this on a smaller scale is frankly because I didn't think I could and I was too scared.

Those who know me will likely shake their heads and laugh … at me, not with me. (Trust me, I'm not even close to being able to laugh about this yet.) I may lose some respect for my sheer lack of knowledge. The people who commissioned this might well be appalled. I figure I will take my lumps. Maybe this will help someone else realize they are not alone in making a stupid mistake (or 20). Maybe someone who wants to get something made by someone will have a better understanding of the process of design and creation of what we take for granted as a simple object – which will only serve to help everyone. Maybe no one but me will read this.

Perhaps my original error was that in my excitement about the project I did not fully understand the scope of what I was undertaking and how much of a learning curve I was really facing. And for all my original work toward the design – 3 view drawings, paper mockup full size, materials list, elements list...somehow in there I failed to communicate the real concept of what my plan was to the experienced smith who was going to help me through the rough spots. Which has lead to a whole mess of problems. More on that later...

Some of the first things I ought to have done also got left until far too late in the project – of course I didn't realize it at the time.

Thing one...do a full scale layout drawing. Obvious, right? I had thought that my mock-up and my 3 view drawings would be enough. I was so very, very wrong. Particularly because of the glass. Had I started here, even given the other difficulties I would have been much further ahead. This would have given me the dimensions of the actual cut pieces of glass and I could have designed to those. I tried to work three quarters of the project the other way around. Did I mention that this is art glass? And this is a large chandelier? Nearly half the cost of the project turns out to be the glass...and it is glass. Once it is cut you can't change it. Start with the things you can't change and design around them.

And it is a chandelier. I thought it would be simple to find the light fixture that would fit into it nicely – I was sure I'd seen dozens that would work. But lighting trends change rapidly. Start with the things

can't change and design around them.

Start with the bones. Then flesh it out. You'd have thought that a make-up artist would have automatically gone to that approach....

Motivation Maneuvers

Motivation Maneuvers

This is going to be a rough draft. Very rough. I woke up this morning thinking about it, but didn't know what to say. I still don't, but I need to start. And sometimes it is just about starting.

Sometimes it is just about starting. When you are self-employed, even if it is only part-time...motivation is a kicker. You are probably self-employed because you love what you do – you are driven to do it at all costs. And yet.

I would love to say particularly if you are in a creative field, but I'm sure it applies just as much to sales, to counselling and consulting and to all kinds of other fields. I suspect that if you have a storefront or an office it makes it slightly easier. You have to be present at that office for your clients or customers. Maybe people book appointments. Maybe you have to pay rent.

A home studio or home office, well, that is a different ball of wax. As much as you love what you do, there are days – sometimes weeks, where everything feels more pressing so that you can avoid the fact that you don't feel inspired to create. The dog needs to be walked. The dishes need to be done. The cat is feeling neglected and needs a cuddle. There is all that laundry, and it would be so much easier to feel creative if only I could get that shelving unit properly organized.

All these things are likely true. You aren't lying to yourself, but you are avoiding the thing you say you want to do. The thing you are supposed to be doing. The thing that drives you (and sometimes drives you insane...)

And when you are only able to do it part-time, when you need the security blanket of another income source because strangely, you enjoy eating...well, then all the above things are doubly true, because you only have a portion of the time. And you are tired. You've been working at that/those other jobs. And if you do give in to the laundry, the dog walking, the dinner making, the shelf organizing, well...you've been working and trying to keep up everything else that makes life tick. Don't you deserve to sit and read for an hour or two? Surely you have earned the right to a cup of tea and a nap?

And again...all of this is true. And like other human animals, you do, in fact deserve, and need some down time (insert guilty or otherwise pleasure here). But that thing you aren't doing is still there, still tickling the back of your brain and as much as you want it to let go, it won't.

And I did say SELF emlployed...that means that you also have

to do the marketing, the advertising, the cash handling (if there is any...), the accounting, the taxes, the scheduling, the ordering, the inventory, the cleaning, answer the mail, the emails, the phone...(write the blog entries)...there are photos to process, print to write, tools to maintain...and yes, garbage and recycling to take out.

And then, maybe, you can squeeze in being creative...

Hah!

The trouble is the longer you avoid it the sneakier it gets. Avoiding it for too long a time will likely make you cranky, out of sorts, possibly depressed. It will often get hard to focus, difficult to keep track, it makes everything harder...that's right. Everything. That includes making it harder to get creative, to be productive at your passion. You've been away from it for so long, you don't feel like you can anymore, you aren't sure you can do it. And so you avoid it, and so it spirals.

Until you can't ignore it anymore, and even if what you make is pure unadulterated crap, you have to make something...

Sometimes it is just about starting.

Quite often it will take itself from there. Not always, sometimes it really takes time to get back into the flow of it, to remember what life is like when you are in the zone. Sometimes it feels like you will never get there.

And the laundry still needs doing, and the dog still needs walking, and the shelf still needs organizing, but often once you are back in the flow and hum of it, those times are a part of the process. While you are walking the dog you see a leaf on a tree that the light is hitting just so and you realize that you could make...and the smell of the laundry detergent makes you think of that time you were with those people and you had that idea that you had forgotten all about.

Sometimes it is just about starting. Other times it is about discipline. The discipline to sit down and write Every Day, even if you are all written out. The discipline to go out to the studio or shop, even if all you do is clean up and maintain your tools. The follow through to spend just that half hour before you curl up with your book.

Being self employed is hard. No matter what you do, whether it is full time or part time. It isn't about running family errands or sitting watching soap operas through the day. It is about working when you don't want to, on things you don't want to because it is what you want to do. It is about finding time that doesn't exist and energy that you don't have. It is about believing you can, even when you know that you can't yet. Sometimes,

it is just about starting.

Fortune and Folly

Fortune and Folly

I've known people who suffered so much from depression that they were unable to get out of bed some days. Thankfully, that has never been the case for me. Perhaps it is sheer force of will. I won't say I've never gone back to bed, but I can generally force myself up. And thankfully my depressive cycles have slowed dramatically. But with great highs come great lows.

I am going through a cycle of great change as I write these entries. I suspect I'm somewhere in the middle of the cycle, and it has been over 3 years now since I think it began – but then, life is change so clearly if you look at the wider view it has been much longer than that. And in the quiet moments I can't help but reflect on life – it is all part of the learning, gaining perspective on where you've been in order to go forward with a little more sense (hopefully).

There are those who see me and see someone to be admired. Someone who is stong and free spirited and unafraid of consequence. There are some who know me better than most and see a survivor. Or an idealist. There are even be some out there who – if they chose their words carefully and speak honestly, say they see me as wise. I am less certain that I am any of those things. Sometimes what they see gives me hope that they see something that could someday be true. Sometimes I think they see what they need to see and it is a great task to try to live up to their vision.

There are those who, I'm sure, look at me and see nothing but a hopeful fool who is often excited about some new thing, who is often up to her elbows in some project too advanced for her and bound to fail - again. They see someone who will never amount to much, but who is too much the fool to give up the chase. And I'm not saying that what they see is wrong. I'd be more inclined to say they were right. But to me, the important parts are in the excitement, the learning, the trying and the not giving up. More fool me, perhaps, but then it is my choice.

And I have made many choices – as we all have – in the course of my life. Some have been good, some bad. Some have been very questionable. There are choices I have made that some would see as morally bankrupt, but they may not know the whole story – we so seldom do. There are some choices that people would question my judgement on, or say I had none. There are some that have been excellent choices from the outside, but not so much the best choice from within. There are choices that never felt like choices, but in truth, they always are. And choices are the better part of what makes a life.

What on earth does this have to do with running a business? Well, everything. Because business is made up of people. This business is made up of a person, and who that person is has a very direct effect on the business. Corporations may not be quite so much the personality of their boards and head people because they are a compromise and they generally do their best to keep personality out of it. But the small business – particularly that of the self-employed artist – generally is about selling some part of your personality as much as your product. There are inevitably hundreds of others out there doing pretty much the same thing you are. What sets them apart is partially the work – if you are a maker, the work should be enough. But sometimes it just isn't. Sometimes, the deciding factor is personality. I know of many people who do impeccable work that I choose not to support. Something about them doesn't fit with me. I know many people who do beautiful work that I DO want to support (whether I can afford to or not.) In fact, I know lots of people who do work that I might like less in some cases than the work of others, but sometimes it comes down to where I want to put my money. Do I want to put it on the person who I think can grow and develop and who is passionate and really, really loves what they do? A person who may have a vision to make the world a better place? A person who (insert inspiring trait here).... Or do I want to give it to the meticulous expert craftsperson who does work that is stunning, but who has lost all the joy in what they do, or who is bitter, or whose cynicism makes me sad or who looks down on everyone around them or, or, or...

That is one of those choices that I make – and I try to be sure that I make my choices – all of them – thoughtfully. Although my choices may prove to be incorrect or not to everyone's best good, I do always try to make the choice consciously. And whether you are running a buisness or whether your contribution to business is as a consumer a little thought can go a long way. Fortune and folly are often inextricably linked and sometimes one cannot be had without the other. But if your choice is a thoughtful one, maybe if it turns out you got folly rather than fortune you can look back and see where it went wrong...what it was you missed – and your future choices will be the better for it.

Ebbs and Flows

Ebbs and Flows

The last installment of this that I wrote was long. Perhaps if I had kept up the practice of writing I'd have been better able to break it down, but it felt like all of that needed to be together. And no one who doesn't want to read it has to. I have to remind myself of that. The people who might read this are doing so because they want to, so just write.

Rather than talk about another of the many opportunities I've been given just now I want to talk a bit about ebbs and flows.

When you are self-employed in any form, but particularly in a creative medium we all know that there are ebbs and flows in everything. Work, inspiration, paycheques, loving your work, hating your work, anxiety, depression, joy, triumph, wonder...

In many ways artists relate best to other artists because of the unspoken understanding of these cycles. Not that other people can't relate to them -everyone experiences them, and everyone has just as much possibility to have their work tied into their ego and their self...sort of. There is, in my humble opinion, a difference between an accountant being tied to being able to do the best job for his client and doing a great job or letting him down vs. someone who creates a work or an object from conception to finish. Not all of us do everything we do conception to finish. There are often other hands, other voices involved. And we don't do all of it for our soul or from passion or for the greater good. But there is something undefinable about that process, something words won't catch.

You think I'm off on a tangent, but this is all part of ebbs and flows. Because those things, those objects, those moments don't come all the time. And having experienced them, their absence is palpable, their lack tastes of failure and brings out the fear that they will never grace our presence again.

Tasting moments of creation, of genius, of wonder – going to the heights shows you how deep the depths can be.

With every creative person I know their highs are soaring and their lows are suffocating – sometimes. But just because it is only sometimes does not make them less important. It makes them moreso. Everyone strives for balance. But when you sway so far from the centre the centre often feels off kilter. You spend so much time hanging off of one edge or the other that when you finally hit centre the spins don't stop. So you try to compensate and by doing so throw yourself out to the sides again. Sometimes.

It isn't so dramatic for everyone. Not always. And sometimes, it is, but you are so used to it that it is just normal. And all these things can be brought on by anything. By everything. It is feast or famine...too much or not enough. When you have time there is no money – even when you have been so careful that people think scrooge is your middle name. When you have money there is no time.

Everyone who runs a small business will run into these things, everyone who creates will run into these things. Some people deal with it by turning their back and walking away. Those I have seen do this – when it is their creativity they walk away from – typically become bitter and unhappy. Unless they find another outlet.

What is the point to this? (Other than that my ability to write also ebbs and flows?) The point, I suppose, is that you are not alone. But in knowing that there are others out there who experience these things you need to find community to help you deal with them. Your vehicle for doing so will be determined by your own patterns and choices. But do, please, find community. Troubles shared are troubles halved. The weight of the ebbs and flows – and yes, the highs are heavy too – can't you tell by how tired you are when they are over? - will be lessened if you keep in touch with people and tell them what is going on. The centre will be easier to hold if you have others helping you to balance until the world stops spinning.

The highs, the lows, the plateaus are all part of the cycle. They take a toll. They are hard. But they are natural and we all experience them. (And in truth what they bring us is so worth the cost!)

So just don't give up. And don't think you are alone.

The Shape of Experiences

 The Shape of Experiences

Demonstrating at The Wharf at York.  Photo by Darrell Markewtiz.

The truth of the matter is I'm not quite sure where to start. There have been so many things that have shaped my understanding as it is now. (And that understanding is ever evolving.) But I would suppose that as long as each of the segments is mostly coherent they need not be in any kind of chronological order.

Opportunities...that is probably a good place to start.

I am fortunate, and I know it. The people I have found have been very generous with me in time, in sharing of knowledge, in trust and belief in me and in sharing opportunities with me. And let's not forget the sharing of their personal expertise... I don't know how much part I played in “making” these opportunities for myself...I know sometimes that is the case. There are people who are very good at that. I don't believe myself to be one of them. Most of my opportunities have been gifted to me, and I have tried, on the whole, to do them justice.

I have been gifted with so many opportunities throughout my lifetime from so many individuals – but here I am trying to concentrate on a reasonable time period and have some semblance of focus. So anyone who might happen upon this who has been someone who has given me a chance – you are not forgotten or overlooked...but this is not my life story, and only a slice of the behind the scenes of my business...and I thank you.

For a number of years I was fortunate enough to demonstrate blacksmithing at the Toronto Waterfront Festival. This was truly one of those opportunities that was a gift, mixed with beginners luck. I did not get the job through an application process, nor because of my superior skill at smithing or demonstrating. I got the job because years before I had taken an introductory jewellery course at George Brown College and I had met some amazing people in the class. My work had turned out reasonably well in the class. I attribute that to general hand skills, beginners luck and having some idea about metal process from my meager blacksmithing experience. One of the people I met there was Rick Kunst, a jack-of-many trades who is skilled in everything he undertakes. We exchanged information and that was that.

Several years later – as so often happens we had never contacted each other – the phone rang and it was Rick. Yes, of course I remembered him (if you know Rick you know he is not particularly forgettable)...what was he up to?

Turned out he was somehow involved with the group putting on the Waterfront Festival, and he/they thought it might be cool to have people demonstrate crafts that were kind of ship related. Did I want to demonstrate blacksmithing?

This was not something I was prepared for. It was not really something I was ready to do. It was something I had never done.

I explained that I was not a particularly proficient smith, I had never demonstrated before and I might not be his best choice. I really didn't have the gear for a demonstration – I had no overhead of any kind, and probably a few other disclaimers. I pointed him to another couple of blacksmiths who would be a way better choice. But … I'd love to do it.

I can't honestly remember if the other smiths were contacted or if I told Rick I'd have to think about it, or where the discussion went from there. But I remember that Rick had decided I'd be good at it – and when I bounced it off the other smiths I'd pointed him to, they were encouraging too. Everyone else said I could do it. Somehow, I decided to go with their decision and I did it.

When I was there, I met another couple of great and amazing people – Adam Smith – leatherworker extraordinaire and Len Heidebrecht – cooper extraordinaire – though both of them have other talents as well...one of whom (Adam) very kindly provided me with the loan of an overhead. Considering the weekend was wet and cold and lonely (only a few dozen people showed up that year – at least where we were set up). There was another demonstrator there for a bit demonstrating knot tying, but as he floated in and out I didn't get to know him so well. The three of us kept each other company, and they often came to stand by the forge and get warm – one of the reasons the blacksmith's shop was a popular place to sit around and gossip historically...it was warm! The two of them, though they didn't know me at all were very encouraging. I got to make a chain hook for the Empire Sandy that year, and I became, for the next number of years “the blacksmith from the Waterfront Festival”.

This turned into something that taught me so much and in so many ways shaped who I and my business are becoming...it did not bring me fame or fortune (though I did get to look a bit daft on a TV news spot one year, and the pay for the demonstrations was good.) It did not make my business “take off” (though I did meet some people who were good contacts and gave me something very impressive for my CV). It did not make me become something just from the opportunity it afforded me, but it changed so many subtle things that are still resonating to this day that it did, in fact, change my life, and the life of my business.

One of the things it taught me, besides the fact that I could, in fact, do this was that in many ways being a less proficient smith makes me an ideal demonstrator for helping people to really understand the truth about blacksmithing. One of the reasons that I was kept in the position was, quite frankly, because I am not a traditional blacksmith. I am a woman, and I am very small. Rick, in particular, felt that this would be an inspiration to people who do not fit the “type” that they can do not only this, but anything. And I believe that he is right in that. I break the stereotype (I pretty much shatter it actually.)

I have seen many blacksmiths demonstrate. And most of the ones I have seen are masters at their craft...both at demonstration (which is an art in itself) and at smithing. The biggest trouble with that in today's society is that being a master at your craft and demonstrating something you have done hundreds of times, it makes it look easy. Once upon a time, people understood that that ease came with skill and repetition. That is easier to miss today. People don't tend to understand in the same way that that ease took hundreds or thousands of hours at (insert craft or trade here), hundreds of days, multiple years.

I am a reasonably good demonstrator – I have taught other skills and I can communicate fairly well (most of the time.) I have put in a lot of time to learn to do that and have other skills that help me in my ability to demonstrate. But in smithing I have lots of knowledge in my head, but significantly less with my hands. I just have not been able to put in the time to be technically proficient. I'm better now than I was then, but I still struggle. And watching the people watching me I saw the value in letting them see that struggle. They hung around longer to see if I could make it. They saw what the process really takes in terms of time and energy. They understood the development of the object better...both in terms of the figuring out how to make it and the physical making of it. So, while I don't recommend hiring demonstrators who aren't very good at their craft, it seems that in my situation I was able to provide good value on a number of levels. (After all, if I was really bad they wouldn't have had me back, stereotype shattering or not. I guess I can only shatter the stereotype if I can complete the task.)

I can't say enough about my feeling about working on real projects for demonstration rather than novelty items or parlour tricks...yes, they are handy to have and can be entertaining and fun. And yes, sometimes that is what you are asked to do, and if that is what you are contracted for then so be it. But showing people real work and what it entails is – in my view – incredibly important. Rather than feeding them the tv soundbite you are teaching them. If they don't want to learn they can walk away, but you are generally hired to demonstrate, not to entertain. That's what the band is for. They can't get a real appreciation for what it is you do if you don't do real things.

Among the other things I got from my experience as “the blacksmith from the Waterfront Festival” was a world of improvement. Taking on those challenges in spite of my shortcomings (pun only half intended), I learned and grew at my craft. Every year, sometime mid-afternoon Saturday someone would show up from one of the ships and ask me to make something. It was always something I had never done before. It was always something I didn't have the stock for. It was always something I didn't have the right tools for. But I have now made stuff for ships – including the infamous Bounty, which is now at the bottom of the sea and my object is an archaelogical artifact. I always managed to make it work, and they always seemed to enjoy the novelty of having something made. I also got to meet some incredible people and have some amazing experiences most people do not get (to take measurements for the shackle I “had” to go up to the top crow's nest of the Bounty. Not something many people do everyday...and the view!)

And I got practice. I got hours and hours and hours of forge time. My hammer technique improved immensely. My aim got better. My arm got better. My ability to work my way through a project got better. The truth is that any physical set of skills only gets better with practice and when you have been hired to work in a demonstration you can't help but get practice.

I also got to hone my demonstration skills, when the people were non-existent and/or not paying me any mind, and when they were fascinated. I got to find my feet, see where my comfort level is as a demonstrator, both in historic and character context and outside of it. I got to practice those skills, was forced to do so. I learned to think on my feet in a demonstration about what to do when things go wrong and when they go right. About how real the safety concerns are, what to do when someone sneaks past the ropes, how to answer questions professionally but in a way that doesn't put off the observing crowd when the answer is not what they want to hear.

I learned a lot about the history of my craft and life in general and odd specialized things in doing research to prepare – smiths who worked on ships were often pretty specialized. Most smiths could make something in a pinch but the ones who worked harbour towns, fishing towns – there was often a smithy that just did the ships and some of that history is surprising...a lot I'd never have thought to read about if not given the push. And I believe that understanding of those things makes me a better smith and a better person.

I glossed over what was perhaps the biggest thing that this experience gave me – it helped me to believe in myself. Maybe everything I do isn't a fluke or beginners luck. Maybe some of it is earned...though I still think there is a healthy sprinkling of the first two mixed in.

Back to the Beginnings...Again

Elfworks - Back to the beginnings ...again.

And so, here I am again. Many years ago, I tried to start a blog here. I found that I had nothing to say that I thought anyone wanted to hear. I wanted to keep my blog clearly business oriented and use it only as a place to post the things that were happening with Elfworks.

Clearly, I didn't much understand the nature of blogs. Just as clearly, I didn't understand, or didn't want to own up to the nature of Elfworks. I am Elfworks, and it is me. That makes it personal.

Once upon a time I used to write...a lot. I got out of the habit. Over the last few years I feel I'm being called back to it. Perhaps this is a good place to start exercising those muscles again. And maybe, just maybe I have some things to say that might be of value to people out there who are thinking of taking similar steps on their walk through life, business and the Universe. Even if their only value is for them to be read and dismissed...or perhaps they need not even be read. Perhaps the value is in the writing.

Elfworks originated, and is still run mostly as a catch-all for the overflow things I do to feed my soul and help support my living. Not all the things I do under the banner of Elfworks feed my soul...but those that don't feed my soul put food in my belly, and no one should underestimate the importance of that. A full soul and a starved body don't produce much – not for very long, anyway, except maybe really amazing dreams.

It seems that I am finally learning the things I needed to understand long ago to be better at my business. Or, beginning to learn, at the very least. Not surprisingly, I am learning through failure. And failure is generally what is needed to learn. In many of the things I've done I've had some moderate success seemingly right off the bat. Not great success, but I've managed to make things turn out, more or less, the way I had hoped they would. And when they didn't turn out the way I'd hoped, they were still not bad, just different. This has always felt like “beginners luck” to me – maybe that is why I don't produce much...trying to keep the streak of luck going...unconsciously of course.

There are always the excuses, masquerading as “reasons” and as real as they are, they are still excuses. Lacking in time, energy, money, inspiration...all real things. All real things that can be gotten around, sometimes. I kept trying to redesign my life to make more of any or all of those things, and something would always get in the way.

And the idea of settling down to one discipline has always failed me...I keep gathering skills like weavers and spinners gather wool, (and knitters, lets not forget knitters)...but I rarely sit down and put those skills to use. I don't spend enough time refining and repeating until they are truly skills and not just knowledge.

Now, this might not be the wisest thing to state in a blog about my business...but it is a true thing. It is not that I don't have the skills, but am I really as proficient with them as I ought to be? No, not yet. I am getting there, slowly – so slowly that it is sometimes painful (which becomes another excuse...I'm just no good at that”...) The only way to get good at it is to do it. Over and over. And sometimes, you fail. Sometimes things just don't turn out. Sometimes you've run out of beginners luck.

So, if you are interested, (but more for the sake of exercising muscles and using my blog space and learning how to write a blog), I will tell you some of the stories that have shaped Elfworks, and myself over the past number of years. The events of a life, an ordinary life – but the life of someone who runs a sole-proprietorship business. That makes the events of the life very much a part of the events of the business. And as much as I believe that there is more to the artist than the art, more to the worker than the work, that does not negate their close relationship and their intertwined nature. That very nature is what can make them so hard to separate so that you can be defined by more than what you produce.