So, here we are...here I am. I try
very hard to limit my exposure to the news and social media –
particularly during times of crisis. I get overwhelmed much too
easily. Dragged into the mire and the muck of everything I can't
control, or change or help. We are into a time of pandemic – but
it is a time when there is a global tint to everything...for good, or
for ill, we know more now about what goes on across the world than we
ever have.
My theatre contract got cancelled on
the 13th of March, so we are a little more than a month
into the self-isolation routine. In all honesty, in many ways this
is barely a blip in our routine. And yet. There is a profound
difference to it, even so. It brings challenges even to us in so
very many ways. And not unlike everyone else, it messes with our
heads.
Living rurally, we generally keep a
good stock of supplies, and often don't leave the property for about
10 days at a time – typically by that time we need more cream, or
milk, or cat food (or for me, more mushrooms.) So for us to extend
that to leaving only once every fourteen days or more is not such a
hardship. Our incomes are usually low, so our expenses are low –
we work hard to keep them that way. We are not used to going out for
our entertainment. We don't tend to go out much at all. We read a
lot, and our artistic work tends to keep us busy. When we can we do
repairs on our home or work on the yard – which we do ourselves.
For me, I am happy to be quiet when I get to be home – I get more
than my fill of socializing during my theatre work periods, and
staying home is a welcome gift.
However, it is different when it is
not a choice. While we are much better equipped mentally,
emotionally, and in terms of habits and preparation to deal with this
than the average city dweller, it still takes a toll. I honestly
feel very much for those who have been pushed into this situation
with little preparation. I feel for all of you, with all of your
varied challenges and reasons why this is an (almost, I hope only
almost) unbearable situation for you. If it takes a toll on us, it
must be hellish for some of you. Not just the enforced changes, but
the playing up of all the fears and doubts that we try to drown with
our routines and our habits and our busy-ness and our noise.
For the first two weeks of the month
that I've been home I stayed very busy. I was finishing up an online
course I'd been taking. I got the corner where the bookcases are
painted, and we installed the new heater. Along with that I
rearranged the books on those two shelves and got a lot of material
scanned and input into our personal library. I got a bunch of house
stuff done that had been waiting for too long. I was working on
updating my website (still am), and moving it to a Canadian provider.
We were working on my forge space in the shop, which we are building
into a more permanent and better set up space. Lots to do – there
is always lots to do.
Since that two week period things have
slowed down. While I've felt since the initial announcement that
this was likely to go at very least into the fall, if not into next
year, that first two week period was filled with a sense of urgency.
As if I had to get it done, it could be a mistake. I could be called
back to work at anytime. What if my next contract actually went
ahead? (They went down to the wire before they decided to pull the
plug on the next contract I had.) But now, well, now this is the
norm for the long haul. That doesn't really distress me, for the
most part. There will certainly be challenges, and worries and
problems. I know that for many it is a source of extreme uncertainty
and distress. Again, I feel for you, and I know how lucky I am in
all this.
It has, however, begun to sink in.
Staying disciplined is hard. Motivation is hard. The stuff that
messes with your head is hard. A lot of people I know – a lot of
self-employed artists and others are having a hard time working with
the time that they have. The feeling for many is “what's the
point?” No one will have any disposable income. Festivals and
shows are cancelled. Why make stuff just to have stuff? There are
no deadlines, no goals, no sense of urgency.
Some of that has permeated here too.
One of my goals this year is to be making at least 3 days a week,
whenever possible. Well, now I have the time to make that a habit.
To meet that goal. I can't say I'm doing very well with it. I have
been trying to give myself some leeway with that. Making can include
writing, baking – any out of the norm, ambitious undertaking.
Making dinner doesn't count, but in the beginning, making muffins
might. I hope to work up to it gradually, this new habit. Even with
that leeway, I don't think I've managed 3 days any week except this
one. But I forgive myself. And I will keep trying, keep working
toward it. And keep forgiving myself for my failings. This is a
strange new world (well, every day is a strange new world, but
admittedly, this period is stranger than most.) The landscapes shift
every day...sometimes more than once per day.
The weather, of course, hasn't helped.
In the last week we've had snow all but two days. Now, that is not
unheard of up here, even for the middle of April. And I love winter.
However, I am ready for it to move on. Snow in the middle of April
is not inspiring. It doesn't make me want to work. It doesn't make
me want to do anything other than sit by the fire where it is
relatively warm. So, I try to have patience with myself for that.
Said weather has pretty much put a
hold on the work toward my new shop. It is getting close to the
infrastructure being done, but when it is cold and snowy in April, we
just don't want to work out there. Now, that is not sensible.
Neither the temperatures, nor the conditions are much different than
they were in mid to late March. And yet. The fact that it is April
now and it is dragging on is what is stopping it (mostly. There are
also other things that need to get done...)
So, the point of this post is to remind
myself, and anyone who might be choosing to read it that discipline
is a practice. When you don't do the thing, look at what happened,
what threw you off course, forgive yourself and try again.
The realization that it is okay not to
be a superhero is part of the self-care. The knowledge that this is
hard and whatever you do or don't do, don't dwell on it, and don't
beat yourself up for it, is also self-care. Allowing for rest,
replenishment and relaxation that you don't usually get is self-care.
It is a lot of hard work, and a lot of scary work to process the
fears that this situation brings up for most people. And the
changes. Just because it is internal work doesn't mean it isn't
exhausting, or any less valuable for being invisible to the naked
eye. We all need to allow ourselves room to just be for a bit. It
will be a process....as all of life is. But in the quiet it is
magnified. So when you need to back away for a little while, allow
yourself that respite. Do what you can, that is all we can ask of
ourselves.
I believe that for all those
self-employed artists who are struggling to keep working in this time
of weirdness, that they need to have patience with themselves.
Whatever it is that you do, somewhere down the line you will remember
that “the point” is that you can't not create. Your need to
create will overwhelm the apathy some days, and you can seize those
moments and build on them. We all can, whatever our calling is.
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