Knowing when you need to focus outwards on the world around you and when to acknowledge it but remain focused on where you are and what you are doing is a horrible tightrope to walk. Those outside your inner realms will often jump up and down and accuse you of being selfish and uncaring. But sometimes, you need to be true not only to yourself, but to all of those who have shown you support and encouraged you to do what you do. Taking everything on and taking everything to heart can't be done. We are very small creatures in a very big world, and an even bigger universe.
But how do you know when you are hiding from what is happening and when you are honouring what needs to be done?
The first part of this post was written ages ago, but I think it is pertinent to the times. The continuing and ever changing wave of pandemic pressures and uncertainties. Things may be "opening up" but everyone is going to have to continue to navigate a "new normal" unless they are willfully ignoring the realities of things - as some always will. I don't think it is time even for the "new normal" to begin, but I understand everyone's need to believe it is here.
In July of this year I was pretty much a lump. I had been very active for the first 6 months, working on everything - from garden to digital ventures, creating to cataloguing, writing to fiddling. When July hit, it all came crashing down. My 2nd vaccine took me out for a few days. Then I twisted something - my ankle I think. It was rainy, I was tired and sore and I just never got up to speed. I kept doing things that gave me twinges - sore wrist, sore ankle again, sore legs. Some of that is probably because with all the other things that stopped in July, I also stopped stretching every morning. Probably, I just needed a break.
The one thing I did do plenty of in July was read. I put aside the pile of non-fiction I'm working through and gave in to a host of old favourites from my fiction shelves. It gave me a chance to reset a little, and I managed (mostly) to ignore the ticking of the clock of the time I have to get things done! and the voice in the back of my head telling me to get up and get at it.
It helped me to refocus, to get energized for some projects that didn't involve all things growing. It eased me into revisiting things I realize once or twice a year and then seem to promptly forget or ignore. Things I often write about here, but having given it a glancing acknowledgement then fail to put into practice. (Like, maybe if I gave myself a day off every once in a while I would be less likely to need to fall down for a whole month?)
So far, August has been closer to the norm - I'm working on prototyping some new pieces, getting work done outside when weather permits, trying to get back to writing, photographing, cataloguing etc. I'm trying not to push too hard, trying not to feel rushed. I'm not back into my pile of non-fiction just yet, but I'm continuing to devour stories, myths and legends. Every time I reset, I try to do a little better, on some level at least.
The world is filled with uncertainty, fear, impatience, desperation - not that it is anything new, but it is more palpable than usual. This pandemic has made a lot of people turn all those things that they are feeling into anger, and outrage. There are a lot of soapboxes that have been getting a lot of use lately. Many of the things people are choosing to use as a focus for that anger are things that they really should be angry about, things that should outrage us all. It will be interesting to see how many people remain committed to those causes if they get any sort of normal back. Yes, that was only very slightly related to where I started, but this is how my brain meanders through what passes for my thinking process.
So, how do you know when you are hiding and when you are honouring what needs to be done? Well, the answer will be a little different for everyone I expect. One of the things that I've come to believe is that you have to take some time and some space for starters. Take a good look at what you are labelling something as "needs to be done." Needs to be done for whom? Needs to be done for why? Take a moment and look at the word needs - decide if it is an accurate description.
Every now and then we need to hide, sometimes it is the right thing to do. Every now and then, we need to take a deep breath and screw our courage to the sticking place, and get out there and do it anyway. Every now is an opportunity to step back and take stock, take a good look and make a decision. If you let others decide for you, no matter how well-intentioned, looking back at every then could be a regret on some level. You can't do everything, none of us can. What you can do, is make what you do count, for yourself at the very least.
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