Still Keeping the Faith....Don't Hold Your Breath

 While I wrote this a while ago, and the snow has pretty much melted in the meantime this feels pertinent to the times and the fact that so many people are beginning to stumble and falter.  I had a rough couple of weeks recently, for no particular reason, and while I'm coming out the other side now this feels like I could easily have written it last week....on the upside, outside things are beginning to bloom and the recent snow doesn't seem to have killed off their spirit.

 

It has been a rough week...a rollercoaster. One of those points where I feel like I'm so far behind, ten years behind and trying to catch up?... it is all futile. Wasted effort. I see that I have been given what I've been asking for, been working towards, but it all feels too late. I've wasted it, all those gifts. The economy has changed. The political climate has changed. The world has changed and I missed my opportunities. I can do the things that I want to do, but forget making a living from it. That ship has sailed. And it will still take me 5 or 10 years to get to where I need to be anyway, to make this work. So why bother...

That has been my week. It is still my week. And yet -

Ride it out. Sit with it, don't push it away into a box.

Sit with that feeling of futility, of failure, of hopelessness.

There is a bit of sun out there, go walk in it, even though it is still cold.

Dealing with the inner world of the challenges of running a business – part time or full, of pursuing anything artistic, or creative, or really anything you are passionate about...it is all part and parcel of the reality. It is the part no one ever talks about – though that is beginning to change.

It is the unspoken struggle, the one we don't admit to for fear of …

So here I am, sitting in it, riding it out trying to focus on the sun rather than the snow.

Knowing without believing that it will clear like the snow will melt and the skies will clear. Working hard at holding faith in the memory of the green and the warmth and the growth – inside and out.

Spring Awakening

 

Rhubarb emerging. Photo by KPS.

As spring starts to tease us with hints of its arrival, I'm trying to establish new practices. I'm hoping to have things settled into some kind of flexible format by the time the seasons begin to shift. There is a part of my brain that wants to bow to the phrase “establish a routine”, but the truth is I'm lousy with routines. Routines is where I start to chafe and end up in trouble – that is a huge part of why I've lead the life I have. So I'm playing with phrases until I find the right fit.

I didn't even know, really, what it was I was going for. Productivity? I like productivity, but sometimes it isn't all its cracked up to be. Something that maybe would set me up for the ability to be productive, but wasn't locked down so much. Relaxation? Relaxation is incredibly important, but it definitely doesn't always set me up for productivity. It often sets me up for being a slouch. I knew there was something I wanted to aim for...but the only way I could describe it was “life.” I wanted to establish a format that allowed for life – life beyond work, but not excluding it – particularly since I love my work and I consider it to be a big part of who I am. I guess I just wanted room to be me, whatever that entailed, but without creating some kind of rigidness or expectation.

I knew I wanted to stay off the computer – or at least off the internet and all its functions (like social media) for the first part of the day. Having tried that "computer and email first" routine I found it to be a failure for me. (I know I've already mentioned that.) So what I've come up with is that the first 2 to 3 hours of the day are mine.

Ideally, that means about an hour of stretching in the morning – part of my lack of function usually comes from me being stiff and sore, and usually that means I've become too tight, and too locked. Not good for me mentally, physically or spiritually … it leads me back down the negative roads most of the time, and I've worked pretty hard over the years to make newer and more positive pathways in my brain. Some mornings it only means 15 minutes of any activity, stretching, fiddle practice, reading, meditating, writing...whatever I want – whatever suits the day, sometimes it means a half hour, or an hour of any of these types of things.

My spectacular fiddle.  Photo by KPS.

I'm trying to be a little disciplined here – I've been working at convincing myself that, no, I don't have to do a lot of stretching, but just a little and see where it goes. Sometimes, like the last 3 days where I didn't want to stretch at all, it has lead to an hour or an hour and a half, and I've felt great when I was done. Fiddle practice will take some real work – I'm coming to learning this instrument very late...but it is something I always wanted to do. While I'm doing it for me, it has been a real struggle not to be incredibly conscious of a)anyone else hearing me and b) what they might think of it, of me, of the whole exercise...it has been hard to let go of all the outside world and just be with the fiddle in the moment, whatever that might mean, or bring. I've had a few lessons with someone I know who is a professional, and an amazing player. They aren't local though, and they were very few and far between.  But it got me started - to a place where I knew how to hold everything and how to figure out what the sound I was aiming for was.  When I was travelling all the time it was really hard to fit a few minutes a day in – especially when you are staying at other people's homes. And when I was home, well, let's just say I didn't do a very good job at practicing.   I kept putting it off. With the pandemic, I continued to put it off...until I hadn't picked it up in over a year.

There are lots of stories about this whole thing and how it came to be, but that has very little to do with the business or this blog, other than the fact that I did pick it up again recently. And I've played every day since. I've found the space I needed to make it part of my window of time, and somehow managed to let go of the chatter in my head about “outside”. It is slowly becoming something that is mine, for me alone, and in that space I'm finding what I knew it would hold for me.

Now, I suspect that you are wondering what on earth all of this has to do with the business? With being a small business owner? With being creative?

Well...

Everything.

Caucasian Spinach.  Photo by KPS

Let me explain....first there are some of the technical things. Physically, all this will let me keep doing what I want to do – not just the stretching, which is a bit more obvious. The fiddle is also a huge part of this, as I've come to understand as I attempt to learn to play. The positioning, the dexterity, the precision, the focus...eventually the creativity -
it all takes will be a huge help in keeping me able to have the flexibility and dexterity to do all the other things I want to do. Learning to really read music is opening up new pathways and skillsets in my brain – I learned a bit about music during other periods in my life, but I've never been good at it, and it didn't matter because I only needed to enjoy it. I played instruments in school – badly, and especially because I didn't quite get the ability to read music. I could kinda fake it. I can read music, given time and quiet, but trying to learn to really associate the notes on the page with both sound and positioning is a real challenge. Music does great things for your brain, whether it is listening to it or learning to sing it or play, and I've decided I want to milk that as best I can.

Egyptian Walking Onions.  Photo by KPS.

But mostly, its about the space. Finding this space, creating this space for myself and beginning to hold it and protect it and own it and believe in it...this is also the space in which I am able to create. Whether it is forging, or writing, or tinsmithing, or making wands or ink – this is the space, this is the zone from which I do my very best work. It is an incredibly easy space to lose, to let go of in favour of other “more important” things. So that is the biggest thing. Learning to keep the space flexible and to allow it to be what I need it to be on any given day. Spending more time in the space where I'm not pushing myself to do something, just allowing that space to grow. Hopefully that will make that special creative space easier  to access.                               

Allowing that place to become familiar again, and believing that I have a right to that space. I used to live there a lot, but somehow I let it go more and more often. Keeping myself fed and housed, chasing success and happiness, the needs of others...whatever it was kept creeping in and pushing it further and further from the centre of my world until it became a place where I was actually uncomfortable. It didn't feel familiar or positive or good, it felt strange, and I heaped expectations on it rather than letting it be what it was. Rather than just letting it be.

So, with the rudiments of the website built, a Patreon page to contribute to, and spring teasing me with its invitations, I'm making the time to rebuild my space – in the physical realm as well as in realms that are more elusive. I plan to pee in all the corners and guard my territory, but I don't plan to be exclusive about it. I think everyone could benefit from a space like this, and I really hope that everyone manages to find their own.

Signs of SPRING!  Photo by KPS.