Nature vs. nurture?

I am not a blogger by nature – as I'm sure anyone who has been reading this blog has guessed.. When I first heard of them I thought they were an odd idea and couldn't see their appeal – not for the readers, anyway.   I am beginning to come around – in terms of some kind of understanding at least. And I have read blogs that I have appreciated (as well as ones that I have not.) I am a reader, but I'm not much of a blog reader...There are some I've begun to read if they catch my eye when I have a moment, but I'm not very good at following... (blogs). But then, I'm trying to change (some) of my ways.

Rather than the previous sad attempts I made at this blog which are evidenced in its archives, I started a number of months before I thought I would have the guts to publish any of it. (It turns out that I wrote two initial “I'm trying to restart the blog” postings...Very different ways of saying some of the the same things. This includes some of the remains of the one that didn't get published....)

Every time I think I have something to write, I write it and stash it in a file. I think I've mentioned that before. So what you are reading may well not be what is happening just now...I figured if I had a small stockpile that just needed a tweak before I put them out I might manage to keep ahead of the curve. That is part of why you will find this has headings and sub-headings.

So anyone does actually read this and they like, for example, reading about me making an absolute catastrophe of a project I tried and looking back on it – hopefully with some insight as to where it went off the rails – they know they want to read bits of the Learning Curves grouping, for example. It will make it easier to skip over installments, in theory at least.

It also makes it easier – at the moment – for me to write them. There will be lots of sections that will fit just as well under one grouping as another, they are all connected by that central pivot, my experiences and thoughts and processes. The truth is, I have become a very sporadic writer. I used to spend huge amounts of my time writing. I couldn't hold things in without getting really full, so I wrote about them. I know lots of people who did the same – when they were younger. I never thought I'd lose that, but I stopped finding the time. I stopped waking up in the middle of the night needing to write.

Or, I suppose, mostly. Because it is just before 3 and I got out of bed because I certainly wasn't going to sleep, so here I am. Certainly when it comes to this blog I am a sporadic writer. Sometimes things will come in waves and then I won't write again for months, or years. (I am also a bit of a sporadic artist/maker when it comes to that...) So writing in themes and entries is an easier way for me to stockpile them. Because that is what I'm doing.

It is one of the tools I'm using to make the changes I clearly need to make.  I am trying the nature vs. nurture approach...if it is not in my nature, perhaps I can create the change by nurture...

Life is all about change and most of us

have as much or more of it than we can handle at any given moment. In the past few years I've been in a whirlwind of change – but as we so often do, I'm not sure I've been changing with it. Certainly not at the rate of the changes surrounding me. I've been lagging sorely behind in my ability to keep up and cope.

Since I appear to be changing everything else in my life, why not see if I can initiate some crucial positive changes in how I work, how I write....The thing about change en masse is that it kind of wipes the slate clean. Enough change basically makes you start again – almost from scratch but with a more advanced toolkit to start with and a better idea of how to develop a plan and move forward, provided you are someone able to learn from mistakes, that is.

And that is what some installments are going to be about – not just my changes and challenges, but ones that so many people face – and some of the tools I use to try to make things work. Like this blog is becoming a learning tool...and maybe it can be a teaching tool too, at some point.

Breathing

It was well beyond time for it to happen, and I am not surprised. The commission is too far overdue and has been called off. And yet, I will continue – with the piece partially assembled that is what makes the most sense. But having gained some perspective, I will breathe first. I will try to do some work at which I can feel successful. I will try to nurture the joy I remembered that I still have before I turn back to the project so that I can make it something good...something that didn't just get put together because it needed to be done.

The truth is that it also frees me up a little in terms of the parameters of the project – things we had discussed that as the project started to go sideways got lost, and then I would have to try to re-integrate although they no longer made sense. Someone who was smart and more sure of themselves would have just kept the communications open with their customer as the project progressed and discussed each of these elements.

As nice as they are I knew that I was so far behind on the project that I crawled further and further into my insecurity and the idea of communicating with the customer terrified me. Not because of them, but because of my own issues. Had I approached the project that way from day one, it likely would have gone very differently.

Among the many things I have learned from this project is that I need to be very careful of the type of commissions I take – especially at this stage in this venture. I went through a period where I had decided that I would never take a commission again because I was clearly incapable of producing one. That was a stage that lasted several weeks. Wallowing in my anger at myself, kicking myself and berating myself. Very productive. But it was a process – grieving for the image of who I thought I could be, some kind of girl hero who could do it all with ease and certainty and success. And once I was done I was able to move on more rationally.

When I went back and looked at things more rationally I understood that what I needed to do was choose my early commissions with a more realistic eye and expectation. Don't try to choose something that made me jump 15 steps further in my practice of the trade than where I was standing. Don't say yes based on the estimations of those who have been making their living doing this and only this for 10 years or more. They aren't wrong, but they see the world differently. Maybe in the first year, but by year 10 they are seeing the early years through a different lens. And they may be in a different situation. Transitioning from one career path to another, changing the balance of multiple jobs or careers is a different thing than struggling to do one thing and make ends meet. Their advice and insight is very valid, but they see things from a different perspective. And sometimes they see things as easy because of where they are in their own process. Or maybe sometimes others are just too generous in what they think I am capable of.

The first steps I need to take are to start creating a more regular practice. It is easy to say that when you have “time off” you will go out to the forge every day. Your faith in your passion says you will. But other things creep in. Life creeps in. And for me, trying to balance the shift – especially since I don't really know how this shift is really going to work...I changed so much all at once – finding any balance at all has been a huge challenge.

It has effectively taken me 2 years to get enough of my sea legs to be able to look at the world around me and get a sense of which way was up. Turns out I've been thinking down was up this whole time...so now I need to take a deep breath and realign my perspective of the world. I need to re-evaluate everything. And I've gotten this sense of the waters just as I head out to unfamiliar seas again. 6 weeks of a working trip to Europe...amazing! Yes...but also another invitation to disorientation.

Yet another round of waves to make the world askew...lets see if I can remember which way is up by holding onto the rail....

Reminders and Discoveries

So, throughout this new version of the blog I have been talking about how much you are your business and facing up to some of my failures. That is bound to continue. But yesterday, I went out to the forge and I was reminded of something. In the wake of beginning to try to chase my dream, in the face of some things coming to pass that I could not forsee which led me down the path to my goals, I have lost sight of something. I have lost sight of the love and the passion for what I do. Yesterday in the heat and the noise and working through trying to fix yet another error I checked in with myself for the first time in a long time and I found the joy again.

My head was still filled with the desire to please, the fear of failure, the proof of failure. The feeling of being lost in an unfamiliar landscape and not having a sense of direction in my new life was still there, if not so overwhelming. There was still the frustration of every stroke that was not just so, the criticism chorus running in the back of my head. The empty wasteland of this object just not looking like it had in my head, and veering farther and farther from my hopes...

But there was an undercurrent that I had stopped noticing beneath all of that at the quiet core of my being. Beyond the swearing at the scale burns and feeling sloppy because the heat made me tired before I began there was something else. When I noticed it, it helped me to keep going long after I felt I was being useful, and to get further into the project than I'd expected.

There was a deep well of calm and contentment there. There was a joy at the rhythm of the hammer that I feared I had lost. There was a quiet joy in forming the shapes from something else.

And in those moments I realized that I had not lost my love. I had not wasted time and money on tools and plugging away at something I was now afraid to do. All of this was not a mistake. All the effort that I, (and several other people!), had put in to making me a space to do this thing I love but have been avoiding – it was not a mistake.

I have been letting the fear get in the way. I have been allowing what skill I have to languish and rust. I have been avoiding something that brings me peace and contentment and joy because I have been chasing something that is not mine. I have been chasing other peoples ideas of what this is for me. I have been trailing after things I have seen others doing successfully and failing at them miserably. I should know better than this. But I forget. I get lost in the world of expectations and trapped in my own cycles of making do for fear of not doing. And the irony is, those very attempts have had me doing exactly that – Nothing.

I hang around with a lot of really amazing people who all excel at what they do. As one of them likes to point out – everyone is at one end of the bell curve, the top end. This skews my judgement, at the very least, and my expectations. It has also created a streak in which I wanted to try to “keep up with the Joneses” which is utterly unrealistic. And it has taken me away from what I do best, which is making my own path through things rather than following any of those set out by others. As skillfully as they may be laid out, I am someone who learns best by stepping off the path and poking under the undergrowth to see how life is lived there and what I can learn from it. Not that there aren't things to be learned on the path too, and sometimes they are the same lessons...but I often think I speak a different language. I don't get the nuance that leads to understanding undercurrents and big picture stuff unless I have sniffed around on my own.

So, I approached this project from entirely the wrong angle. I was trying to play a game for which I didn't know the rules or how to use the equipment. I didn't even know which field I was supposed to play on. Truth is, I think I was trying to impress people. I couldn't have failed harder at that if I'd set out to do just that.

So now, on some level, I am starting again. Oh, no – I'm not restarting the whole project, as much as I've thought of that numerous times, starting again from scratch now that I have the glass and the light. As much as I think it might yield a better result the truth is I now know it would put the project back by such a huge amount of time (because I have a slightly more realistic view of my real schedule) that it would just be the wrong thing to do. But I am starting again in terms of seeing the project through my own lens, and walking my own path to complete it. I am starting again with the comfort of having remembered that this is actually being made with love and care and as a discovery process.

I think I am starting again from the other side of the wall I built between me and it.

I do what I do because I love what I do. That has always been how I've worked, but sometimes I try to convince myself of that love rather than just reaching in and feeling it, and that tends to be when everything goes horribly wrong.

My work may or may not have merit in the wider world, but as long as it has merit to me I am doing the right thing. So here's to a new chapter of lessons born of failures as well as those born of success.

Chandelier - The Learning Curve Continues...Steeply!

Chandelier - the Learning Curve Continues...Steeply!

The continuing review of the chandelier project … so far...

My original concept was something that was not really possible with the materials I was working with. It is metal, and it was being heat formed so it isn't that it was entirely impossible...but it was pretty much impossible – particularly for the equipment, the material, the process and of course, my own skill level. Even if I could have done it it would not have looked the way I wanted it to.

So I had to re-design to make that possible. After I had forged out most of the initial pieces for the original design. Hopefully not having to start again from scratch. Hopefully being able to use at least some of the work I had already done.

Going from the feeling of euphoria over having completed the main elements of the forgework to the crushing realization that this was not going to work … well, let's just say it wasn't a good start.

Now, this is a problem that should have been easy to spot when I made my mock up. Except, I made the mock-up so that the people who commissioned this piece could see the approximate size of the piece and decide if it was what they really wanted. I didn't make it as a learning tool for myself. If I had, I would have cut the pieces to be paper templates of the forged bars. Because I wanted to be able to fold this huge thing into something more compact I ended up making the mock-up in a way that is closer to how I'm making the chandelier itself. So, I suppose it was good for helping me realize some of the ways I could potentially fix some of my errors. Had I been smart I'd have hung it up somewhere so that I could see it all the time and keep it more firmly in my brain. I suspect that would have made me think about it – unconsciously at least – and solve some of the problems more easily.

To be fair, with each of the setbacks, the last thing I wanted to think about was the project. I needed to go and lick my wounds before I could come back to it.

So, what did I want to do that was going to be so impossible?

The octagon was going to be made of eight rectangular window shapes and the bottom is an octagon with spokes meeting in the centre...somehow. The spokes were supposed to be formed from the horizontal edges of the windowframes tapered and bent underneath – all made from a continuous bar.

Anyone who knows anything about working with metal is now either laughing at me or doesn't believe I've ever done anything like this before because the errors in that idea are so glaringly obvious that they have written me off as an idiot. The idea in my head was not thought through in terms of the material when I made the design, okay? And it is my first time designing an object like this – particularly one that has a function.

So let me take you through the process and the errors and the processing of the errors inherent in just this step...This isn't exactly how the process went, but it's a fair estimate.

Let's see...8 windowpanes is 16 bars, but I want 8. Okay, but that's easy....we just join the two bars of the adjoining frames together to create, in effect, a single spoke...right? Nope. First of all, the bars are all textured and tapered by hand. This means they are not perfectly symmetrical or even in any way. So that just won't work – not without doing a lot of work to take out the texture and imperfections that I spent all that time putting in.

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly – what was I thinking?  I'm not looking to bend the bars under in a straight 90 degree that goes straight back. They have to angle in towards the centre of their windowpane – effectively the centre of the octagon. There are ways in which this could be accomodated, but no...not really. Especially not smoothly or with any semblance of elegance of form.

And with 16 bars, not only would they have to be able to have their edges match one another tightly but they would all have to be angled just so to make it work. The pieces would have to go together in a specific and precise order and placement, not quite like a jigsaw puzzle, but enough like one. In fact, it would be like a jigsaw puzzle in which the pieces were not quite cut right - or one in which they were cut freehand and not out of the same sheet of paper or card.  This is hand forged bar, not pre-fabricated and machined to precision....so yes, I'm an idiot.

Oh, and did I mention that this piece is a 3 foot diameter so each of the spokes would be 18 inches long?

Um....

So...yes. I didn't think of any of this until I had forged 16 18 inch tapers onto bars that were long enough to do the full job and textured them all, plus done the texturing on the horizontal pieces.

They looked great. I was happy. I was beyond happy...I was excited.

And then I realized my mistakes....but not all at once. Once I figured a way around one, another one would crop up. That happened over and over...and then I was, let's just call it not so happy.

And the really fun part? As I was coming up with the facts that I'd made these errors it didn't occur to me that all of this was going to change all of my measurements.

Remember that full size layout drawing I didn't do?

So yes...it just keeps getting better...or maybe worse depending on whether you are laughing at me or crying with me.....

Chandelier...Further In

Chandelier...Further In

For those of you who are just tuning in this is (in part) about my first large commission which is a 3 foot diameter octagonal chandelier.

Some of my first errors were not discovered until well into the project. I didn't know that they were my first errors at the time. In hindsight earlier realizations would have been better, but regardless they would still have been errors made and missed at the beginning.

Almost every time I realize one of these mistakes (at the moment this is still an ongoing project I am struggling with) it has thrown me into a depression. Generally I am pretty low-key and fairly calm. On this project I have thrown my hands up and cursed and had to walk away, (- and go for a looong walk-) countless times. There has been the odd mistake that has galvanized my will to solve the problem and move forward, but mostly it has gone the other way.

That has been one of the harder things for me. I try to be pretty resilient. I try to be pretty optimistic. On this project my ability to be those things has been almost non-existent. And that is important to recognize for anyone who suffers these cycles. Why has this been so difficult for me? Well, let's see...there are all those factors that I outlined briefly that life has thrown at me...all that change. That is likely a big part of it. All those things take a toll. Beyond that though, this is the challenge I've always avoided. This is me facing the thing I thought I couldn't do. And at every turn so far, it has proved me right. That is why it has been so important that I keep coming back.

Truth is, though, that courage to come back takes way more time to work up than I'd like. 

I fill those gaps with work, and with life.   Sometimes there are no gaps to be filled, there is just work, or life...

There is the original slump of depression, and the best way to shake that is to get busy. If I were more experienced, or perhaps just better I might try to shake it by getting busy with the chandelier, but I am just not that resilient.

So there are big gaps of time between each and every stage of the project. Those gaps all have reasons that sound like excuses – and they sound like excuses because I guess they are. The biggest reason that the gaps are there is because it takes me time to work up the courage to try again, and to solve the problem that I have created. 

Unfortunately, by doing that I am creating new problems. The gaps mean this project has been worked in bits and pieces, in fits and starts (literally.) Being away from the project, I lose sight of it. I forget little details. There is no flow.

Often, I forget a crucial detail that I had figured out last time I worked on it – or fix an error only to re-create it in a new and exciting way because I remember that I fixed it...and then neglect to take it into consideration for the next step.

And then there are the tangible problems to wrestle through...

There was another element that I thought would be easy that turned out to be nearly impossible – dependent on the timing. The light source. Yes, this is a chandelier and I knew it would be important (I'm not quite that daft.) What I didn't realize was that finding just the right light source to fit was going to be quite so hard. I did know what I needed and what I wanted. I didn't realize it would be so close to being unavailable or non-existent in the trends of lighting design. Particularly given the size.

When I began the project I had seen several fixtures that would have worked. By the time I got into the project none of them were on the market anymore.

The piece is a 3 foot diameter...if the light fixture is made for a normal household lighting fixture the light will all be centred around a fairly small area in the centre. This piece also needs enough light to penetrate the art glass and still give the desired amount of light, so it needs to be multiple bulbs...as close to 8 as possible since it is an octagon. Strangely this is not easy to find without paying for someone else's design or paying for an electrician to not only build the thing but then get it certified....oops.

If I ever do a lighting project again – and for all its difficulites I am intrigued to do something (smaller perhaps!) - I would buy the light fixture first and design around it. I am sure that anyone with sense would do just that...but as this is my first rodeo, it wasn't something I had thought would present quite as much of a problem as it has.

So far I have solved the fixture problem, but the at time of writing, the attachment problem is still looming before me. I'm sure there will be a lot of learning opportunities involved in that as well. I have some ideas now, but whether they will be realistic ones is entirely another matter.

Chandelier - The Preamble

 Chandelier - The Preamble...

The thing that caused me to re-start this blog in the first place is largely the same thing that started me in on the realization that writing about the depressive cycle so many of us face is part of the parcel. This business – particularly the metalworking end of it has not been a full-time venture for me so far. There are a number of reasons for that and the plain truth is that – whether I realized it or not – that depressive cycle is one of them. Time is one – I also have a longstanding career in the theatre industry....but being the theatre industry and given the area I work in, that has only very rarely provided me with full time employment. So I've filled in the gaps as something of a dog's body and girl friday...but my hope has always been that I could fill more of it in with the various facets of the creative side of Elfworks, particularly the metalworking.

As I write this I am working my way through the largest commission I have ever had, and the sheer amount of learning that has forced me into was the thrust to start writing this blog. The truth about the full impact that the depressive cycle has on me and my ability to work is one of the biggest realizations I've come to.

At the point I am writing this the project is so overdue and so different from what was in my hopes that I don't even know if the customers will still want it. But the truth is that I have to finish it if I don't want it to be the thing that stops me doing this forever.

There are so many reasons for it being overdue that come out sounding like excuses to me. Yes, it is true that I have had work contracts in my theatre job, that I moved, that I have travelled, that there has been a wave of people who have passed away – it is true that life has happened with a vengeance during this commission. It is absolutely true that I have had my life undergo change in pretty much every area of my existence and once it had turned a complete 360 it went another 190 degrees in each of the areas just for good measure. But so what? How much leeway do I get for life? Everyone has stuff happen.

Each of those things have built their own delays in to the project. And each time I came back to the project at hand those delays have caused doubt and depression and fear. Which has caused more delays.

And then there are the errors.

There are many errors – and I will try to make this as coherent as I can as I work through my meal of hunble pie...

The piece is a large octagonal chandelier, with art glass inserts (like windowpanes). And it is not going smoothly.

I'm taking a risk here...people reading this blog might well decide that if I didn't even know that much I am not the person they want to buy anything from. At this moment, I'm not sure I blame them. However, up until now most everything I have done has been more about form than function. I have not had to construct anything. My strong suit is masks and jewellery and small decorative objects. So this is a significant jump for me...from a bracelet to a 3 foot chandelier. Some of the reason I haven't done anything else like this on a smaller scale is frankly because I didn't think I could and I was too scared.

Those who know me will likely shake their heads and laugh … at me, not with me. (Trust me, I'm not even close to being able to laugh about this yet.) I may lose some respect for my sheer lack of knowledge. The people who commissioned this might well be appalled. I figure I will take my lumps. Maybe this will help someone else realize they are not alone in making a stupid mistake (or 20). Maybe someone who wants to get something made by someone will have a better understanding of the process of design and creation of what we take for granted as a simple object – which will only serve to help everyone. Maybe no one but me will read this.

Perhaps my original error was that in my excitement about the project I did not fully understand the scope of what I was undertaking and how much of a learning curve I was really facing. And for all my original work toward the design – 3 view drawings, paper mockup full size, materials list, elements list...somehow in there I failed to communicate the real concept of what my plan was to the experienced smith who was going to help me through the rough spots. Which has lead to a whole mess of problems. More on that later...

Some of the first things I ought to have done also got left until far too late in the project – of course I didn't realize it at the time.

Thing one...do a full scale layout drawing. Obvious, right? I had thought that my mock-up and my 3 view drawings would be enough. I was so very, very wrong. Particularly because of the glass. Had I started here, even given the other difficulties I would have been much further ahead. This would have given me the dimensions of the actual cut pieces of glass and I could have designed to those. I tried to work three quarters of the project the other way around. Did I mention that this is art glass? And this is a large chandelier? Nearly half the cost of the project turns out to be the glass...and it is glass. Once it is cut you can't change it. Start with the things you can't change and design around them.

And it is a chandelier. I thought it would be simple to find the light fixture that would fit into it nicely – I was sure I'd seen dozens that would work. But lighting trends change rapidly. Start with the things

can't change and design around them.

Start with the bones. Then flesh it out. You'd have thought that a make-up artist would have automatically gone to that approach....

Motivation Maneuvers

Motivation Maneuvers

This is going to be a rough draft. Very rough. I woke up this morning thinking about it, but didn't know what to say. I still don't, but I need to start. And sometimes it is just about starting.

Sometimes it is just about starting. When you are self-employed, even if it is only part-time...motivation is a kicker. You are probably self-employed because you love what you do – you are driven to do it at all costs. And yet.

I would love to say particularly if you are in a creative field, but I'm sure it applies just as much to sales, to counselling and consulting and to all kinds of other fields. I suspect that if you have a storefront or an office it makes it slightly easier. You have to be present at that office for your clients or customers. Maybe people book appointments. Maybe you have to pay rent.

A home studio or home office, well, that is a different ball of wax. As much as you love what you do, there are days – sometimes weeks, where everything feels more pressing so that you can avoid the fact that you don't feel inspired to create. The dog needs to be walked. The dishes need to be done. The cat is feeling neglected and needs a cuddle. There is all that laundry, and it would be so much easier to feel creative if only I could get that shelving unit properly organized.

All these things are likely true. You aren't lying to yourself, but you are avoiding the thing you say you want to do. The thing you are supposed to be doing. The thing that drives you (and sometimes drives you insane...)

And when you are only able to do it part-time, when you need the security blanket of another income source because strangely, you enjoy eating...well, then all the above things are doubly true, because you only have a portion of the time. And you are tired. You've been working at that/those other jobs. And if you do give in to the laundry, the dog walking, the dinner making, the shelf organizing, well...you've been working and trying to keep up everything else that makes life tick. Don't you deserve to sit and read for an hour or two? Surely you have earned the right to a cup of tea and a nap?

And again...all of this is true. And like other human animals, you do, in fact deserve, and need some down time (insert guilty or otherwise pleasure here). But that thing you aren't doing is still there, still tickling the back of your brain and as much as you want it to let go, it won't.

And I did say SELF emlployed...that means that you also have

to do the marketing, the advertising, the cash handling (if there is any...), the accounting, the taxes, the scheduling, the ordering, the inventory, the cleaning, answer the mail, the emails, the phone...(write the blog entries)...there are photos to process, print to write, tools to maintain...and yes, garbage and recycling to take out.

And then, maybe, you can squeeze in being creative...

Hah!

The trouble is the longer you avoid it the sneakier it gets. Avoiding it for too long a time will likely make you cranky, out of sorts, possibly depressed. It will often get hard to focus, difficult to keep track, it makes everything harder...that's right. Everything. That includes making it harder to get creative, to be productive at your passion. You've been away from it for so long, you don't feel like you can anymore, you aren't sure you can do it. And so you avoid it, and so it spirals.

Until you can't ignore it anymore, and even if what you make is pure unadulterated crap, you have to make something...

Sometimes it is just about starting.

Quite often it will take itself from there. Not always, sometimes it really takes time to get back into the flow of it, to remember what life is like when you are in the zone. Sometimes it feels like you will never get there.

And the laundry still needs doing, and the dog still needs walking, and the shelf still needs organizing, but often once you are back in the flow and hum of it, those times are a part of the process. While you are walking the dog you see a leaf on a tree that the light is hitting just so and you realize that you could make...and the smell of the laundry detergent makes you think of that time you were with those people and you had that idea that you had forgotten all about.

Sometimes it is just about starting. Other times it is about discipline. The discipline to sit down and write Every Day, even if you are all written out. The discipline to go out to the studio or shop, even if all you do is clean up and maintain your tools. The follow through to spend just that half hour before you curl up with your book.

Being self employed is hard. No matter what you do, whether it is full time or part time. It isn't about running family errands or sitting watching soap operas through the day. It is about working when you don't want to, on things you don't want to because it is what you want to do. It is about finding time that doesn't exist and energy that you don't have. It is about believing you can, even when you know that you can't yet. Sometimes,

it is just about starting.