Breathing

It was well beyond time for it to happen, and I am not surprised. The commission is too far overdue and has been called off. And yet, I will continue – with the piece partially assembled that is what makes the most sense. But having gained some perspective, I will breathe first. I will try to do some work at which I can feel successful. I will try to nurture the joy I remembered that I still have before I turn back to the project so that I can make it something good...something that didn't just get put together because it needed to be done.

The truth is that it also frees me up a little in terms of the parameters of the project – things we had discussed that as the project started to go sideways got lost, and then I would have to try to re-integrate although they no longer made sense. Someone who was smart and more sure of themselves would have just kept the communications open with their customer as the project progressed and discussed each of these elements.

As nice as they are I knew that I was so far behind on the project that I crawled further and further into my insecurity and the idea of communicating with the customer terrified me. Not because of them, but because of my own issues. Had I approached the project that way from day one, it likely would have gone very differently.

Among the many things I have learned from this project is that I need to be very careful of the type of commissions I take – especially at this stage in this venture. I went through a period where I had decided that I would never take a commission again because I was clearly incapable of producing one. That was a stage that lasted several weeks. Wallowing in my anger at myself, kicking myself and berating myself. Very productive. But it was a process – grieving for the image of who I thought I could be, some kind of girl hero who could do it all with ease and certainty and success. And once I was done I was able to move on more rationally.

When I went back and looked at things more rationally I understood that what I needed to do was choose my early commissions with a more realistic eye and expectation. Don't try to choose something that made me jump 15 steps further in my practice of the trade than where I was standing. Don't say yes based on the estimations of those who have been making their living doing this and only this for 10 years or more. They aren't wrong, but they see the world differently. Maybe in the first year, but by year 10 they are seeing the early years through a different lens. And they may be in a different situation. Transitioning from one career path to another, changing the balance of multiple jobs or careers is a different thing than struggling to do one thing and make ends meet. Their advice and insight is very valid, but they see things from a different perspective. And sometimes they see things as easy because of where they are in their own process. Or maybe sometimes others are just too generous in what they think I am capable of.

The first steps I need to take are to start creating a more regular practice. It is easy to say that when you have “time off” you will go out to the forge every day. Your faith in your passion says you will. But other things creep in. Life creeps in. And for me, trying to balance the shift – especially since I don't really know how this shift is really going to work...I changed so much all at once – finding any balance at all has been a huge challenge.

It has effectively taken me 2 years to get enough of my sea legs to be able to look at the world around me and get a sense of which way was up. Turns out I've been thinking down was up this whole time...so now I need to take a deep breath and realign my perspective of the world. I need to re-evaluate everything. And I've gotten this sense of the waters just as I head out to unfamiliar seas again. 6 weeks of a working trip to Europe...amazing! Yes...but also another invitation to disorientation.

Yet another round of waves to make the world askew...lets see if I can remember which way is up by holding onto the rail....