Chandelier - The Preamble

 Chandelier - The Preamble...

The thing that caused me to re-start this blog in the first place is largely the same thing that started me in on the realization that writing about the depressive cycle so many of us face is part of the parcel. This business – particularly the metalworking end of it has not been a full-time venture for me so far. There are a number of reasons for that and the plain truth is that – whether I realized it or not – that depressive cycle is one of them. Time is one – I also have a longstanding career in the theatre industry....but being the theatre industry and given the area I work in, that has only very rarely provided me with full time employment. So I've filled in the gaps as something of a dog's body and girl friday...but my hope has always been that I could fill more of it in with the various facets of the creative side of Elfworks, particularly the metalworking.

As I write this I am working my way through the largest commission I have ever had, and the sheer amount of learning that has forced me into was the thrust to start writing this blog. The truth about the full impact that the depressive cycle has on me and my ability to work is one of the biggest realizations I've come to.

At the point I am writing this the project is so overdue and so different from what was in my hopes that I don't even know if the customers will still want it. But the truth is that I have to finish it if I don't want it to be the thing that stops me doing this forever.

There are so many reasons for it being overdue that come out sounding like excuses to me. Yes, it is true that I have had work contracts in my theatre job, that I moved, that I have travelled, that there has been a wave of people who have passed away – it is true that life has happened with a vengeance during this commission. It is absolutely true that I have had my life undergo change in pretty much every area of my existence and once it had turned a complete 360 it went another 190 degrees in each of the areas just for good measure. But so what? How much leeway do I get for life? Everyone has stuff happen.

Each of those things have built their own delays in to the project. And each time I came back to the project at hand those delays have caused doubt and depression and fear. Which has caused more delays.

And then there are the errors.

There are many errors – and I will try to make this as coherent as I can as I work through my meal of hunble pie...

The piece is a large octagonal chandelier, with art glass inserts (like windowpanes). And it is not going smoothly.

I'm taking a risk here...people reading this blog might well decide that if I didn't even know that much I am not the person they want to buy anything from. At this moment, I'm not sure I blame them. However, up until now most everything I have done has been more about form than function. I have not had to construct anything. My strong suit is masks and jewellery and small decorative objects. So this is a significant jump for me...from a bracelet to a 3 foot chandelier. Some of the reason I haven't done anything else like this on a smaller scale is frankly because I didn't think I could and I was too scared.

Those who know me will likely shake their heads and laugh … at me, not with me. (Trust me, I'm not even close to being able to laugh about this yet.) I may lose some respect for my sheer lack of knowledge. The people who commissioned this might well be appalled. I figure I will take my lumps. Maybe this will help someone else realize they are not alone in making a stupid mistake (or 20). Maybe someone who wants to get something made by someone will have a better understanding of the process of design and creation of what we take for granted as a simple object – which will only serve to help everyone. Maybe no one but me will read this.

Perhaps my original error was that in my excitement about the project I did not fully understand the scope of what I was undertaking and how much of a learning curve I was really facing. And for all my original work toward the design – 3 view drawings, paper mockup full size, materials list, elements list...somehow in there I failed to communicate the real concept of what my plan was to the experienced smith who was going to help me through the rough spots. Which has lead to a whole mess of problems. More on that later...

Some of the first things I ought to have done also got left until far too late in the project – of course I didn't realize it at the time.

Thing one...do a full scale layout drawing. Obvious, right? I had thought that my mock-up and my 3 view drawings would be enough. I was so very, very wrong. Particularly because of the glass. Had I started here, even given the other difficulties I would have been much further ahead. This would have given me the dimensions of the actual cut pieces of glass and I could have designed to those. I tried to work three quarters of the project the other way around. Did I mention that this is art glass? And this is a large chandelier? Nearly half the cost of the project turns out to be the glass...and it is glass. Once it is cut you can't change it. Start with the things you can't change and design around them.

And it is a chandelier. I thought it would be simple to find the light fixture that would fit into it nicely – I was sure I'd seen dozens that would work. But lighting trends change rapidly. Start with the things

can't change and design around them.

Start with the bones. Then flesh it out. You'd have thought that a make-up artist would have automatically gone to that approach....

Motivation Maneuvers

Motivation Maneuvers

This is going to be a rough draft. Very rough. I woke up this morning thinking about it, but didn't know what to say. I still don't, but I need to start. And sometimes it is just about starting.

Sometimes it is just about starting. When you are self-employed, even if it is only part-time...motivation is a kicker. You are probably self-employed because you love what you do – you are driven to do it at all costs. And yet.

I would love to say particularly if you are in a creative field, but I'm sure it applies just as much to sales, to counselling and consulting and to all kinds of other fields. I suspect that if you have a storefront or an office it makes it slightly easier. You have to be present at that office for your clients or customers. Maybe people book appointments. Maybe you have to pay rent.

A home studio or home office, well, that is a different ball of wax. As much as you love what you do, there are days – sometimes weeks, where everything feels more pressing so that you can avoid the fact that you don't feel inspired to create. The dog needs to be walked. The dishes need to be done. The cat is feeling neglected and needs a cuddle. There is all that laundry, and it would be so much easier to feel creative if only I could get that shelving unit properly organized.

All these things are likely true. You aren't lying to yourself, but you are avoiding the thing you say you want to do. The thing you are supposed to be doing. The thing that drives you (and sometimes drives you insane...)

And when you are only able to do it part-time, when you need the security blanket of another income source because strangely, you enjoy eating...well, then all the above things are doubly true, because you only have a portion of the time. And you are tired. You've been working at that/those other jobs. And if you do give in to the laundry, the dog walking, the dinner making, the shelf organizing, well...you've been working and trying to keep up everything else that makes life tick. Don't you deserve to sit and read for an hour or two? Surely you have earned the right to a cup of tea and a nap?

And again...all of this is true. And like other human animals, you do, in fact deserve, and need some down time (insert guilty or otherwise pleasure here). But that thing you aren't doing is still there, still tickling the back of your brain and as much as you want it to let go, it won't.

And I did say SELF emlployed...that means that you also have

to do the marketing, the advertising, the cash handling (if there is any...), the accounting, the taxes, the scheduling, the ordering, the inventory, the cleaning, answer the mail, the emails, the phone...(write the blog entries)...there are photos to process, print to write, tools to maintain...and yes, garbage and recycling to take out.

And then, maybe, you can squeeze in being creative...

Hah!

The trouble is the longer you avoid it the sneakier it gets. Avoiding it for too long a time will likely make you cranky, out of sorts, possibly depressed. It will often get hard to focus, difficult to keep track, it makes everything harder...that's right. Everything. That includes making it harder to get creative, to be productive at your passion. You've been away from it for so long, you don't feel like you can anymore, you aren't sure you can do it. And so you avoid it, and so it spirals.

Until you can't ignore it anymore, and even if what you make is pure unadulterated crap, you have to make something...

Sometimes it is just about starting.

Quite often it will take itself from there. Not always, sometimes it really takes time to get back into the flow of it, to remember what life is like when you are in the zone. Sometimes it feels like you will never get there.

And the laundry still needs doing, and the dog still needs walking, and the shelf still needs organizing, but often once you are back in the flow and hum of it, those times are a part of the process. While you are walking the dog you see a leaf on a tree that the light is hitting just so and you realize that you could make...and the smell of the laundry detergent makes you think of that time you were with those people and you had that idea that you had forgotten all about.

Sometimes it is just about starting. Other times it is about discipline. The discipline to sit down and write Every Day, even if you are all written out. The discipline to go out to the studio or shop, even if all you do is clean up and maintain your tools. The follow through to spend just that half hour before you curl up with your book.

Being self employed is hard. No matter what you do, whether it is full time or part time. It isn't about running family errands or sitting watching soap operas through the day. It is about working when you don't want to, on things you don't want to because it is what you want to do. It is about finding time that doesn't exist and energy that you don't have. It is about believing you can, even when you know that you can't yet. Sometimes,

it is just about starting.

Fortune and Folly

Fortune and Folly

I've known people who suffered so much from depression that they were unable to get out of bed some days. Thankfully, that has never been the case for me. Perhaps it is sheer force of will. I won't say I've never gone back to bed, but I can generally force myself up. And thankfully my depressive cycles have slowed dramatically. But with great highs come great lows.

I am going through a cycle of great change as I write these entries. I suspect I'm somewhere in the middle of the cycle, and it has been over 3 years now since I think it began – but then, life is change so clearly if you look at the wider view it has been much longer than that. And in the quiet moments I can't help but reflect on life – it is all part of the learning, gaining perspective on where you've been in order to go forward with a little more sense (hopefully).

There are those who see me and see someone to be admired. Someone who is stong and free spirited and unafraid of consequence. There are some who know me better than most and see a survivor. Or an idealist. There are even be some out there who – if they chose their words carefully and speak honestly, say they see me as wise. I am less certain that I am any of those things. Sometimes what they see gives me hope that they see something that could someday be true. Sometimes I think they see what they need to see and it is a great task to try to live up to their vision.

There are those who, I'm sure, look at me and see nothing but a hopeful fool who is often excited about some new thing, who is often up to her elbows in some project too advanced for her and bound to fail - again. They see someone who will never amount to much, but who is too much the fool to give up the chase. And I'm not saying that what they see is wrong. I'd be more inclined to say they were right. But to me, the important parts are in the excitement, the learning, the trying and the not giving up. More fool me, perhaps, but then it is my choice.

And I have made many choices – as we all have – in the course of my life. Some have been good, some bad. Some have been very questionable. There are choices I have made that some would see as morally bankrupt, but they may not know the whole story – we so seldom do. There are some choices that people would question my judgement on, or say I had none. There are some that have been excellent choices from the outside, but not so much the best choice from within. There are choices that never felt like choices, but in truth, they always are. And choices are the better part of what makes a life.

What on earth does this have to do with running a business? Well, everything. Because business is made up of people. This business is made up of a person, and who that person is has a very direct effect on the business. Corporations may not be quite so much the personality of their boards and head people because they are a compromise and they generally do their best to keep personality out of it. But the small business – particularly that of the self-employed artist – generally is about selling some part of your personality as much as your product. There are inevitably hundreds of others out there doing pretty much the same thing you are. What sets them apart is partially the work – if you are a maker, the work should be enough. But sometimes it just isn't. Sometimes, the deciding factor is personality. I know of many people who do impeccable work that I choose not to support. Something about them doesn't fit with me. I know many people who do beautiful work that I DO want to support (whether I can afford to or not.) In fact, I know lots of people who do work that I might like less in some cases than the work of others, but sometimes it comes down to where I want to put my money. Do I want to put it on the person who I think can grow and develop and who is passionate and really, really loves what they do? A person who may have a vision to make the world a better place? A person who (insert inspiring trait here).... Or do I want to give it to the meticulous expert craftsperson who does work that is stunning, but who has lost all the joy in what they do, or who is bitter, or whose cynicism makes me sad or who looks down on everyone around them or, or, or...

That is one of those choices that I make – and I try to be sure that I make my choices – all of them – thoughtfully. Although my choices may prove to be incorrect or not to everyone's best good, I do always try to make the choice consciously. And whether you are running a buisness or whether your contribution to business is as a consumer a little thought can go a long way. Fortune and folly are often inextricably linked and sometimes one cannot be had without the other. But if your choice is a thoughtful one, maybe if it turns out you got folly rather than fortune you can look back and see where it went wrong...what it was you missed – and your future choices will be the better for it.