Discipline and Self-Care in an Extended Period of Self-Isolation

So, here we are...here I am. I try very hard to limit my exposure to the news and social media – particularly during times of crisis. I get overwhelmed much too easily. Dragged into the mire and the muck of everything I can't control, or change or help. We are into a time of pandemic – but it is a time when there is a global tint to everything...for good, or for ill, we know more now about what goes on across the world than we ever have.

My theatre contract got cancelled on the 13^th of March, so we are a little more than a month into the self-isolation routine. In all honesty, in many ways this is barely a blip in our routine. And yet. There is a profound difference to it, even so. It brings challenges even to us in so very many ways. And not unlike everyone else, it messes with our heads.

Living rurally, we generally keep a good stock of supplies, and often don't leave the property for about 10 days at a time – typically by that time we need more cream, or milk, or cat food (or for me, more mushrooms.) So for us to extend that to leaving only once every fourteen days or more is not such a hardship. Our incomes are usually low, so our expenses are low – we work hard to keep them that way. We are not used to going out for our entertainment. We don't tend to go out much at all. We read a lot, and our artistic work tends to keep us busy. When we can we do repairs on our home or work on the yard – which we do ourselves. For me, I am happy to be quiet when I get to be home – I get more than my fill of socializing during my theatre work periods, and staying home is a welcome gift.

However, it is different when it is not a choice. While we are much better equipped mentally, emotionally, and in terms of habits and preparation to deal with this than the average city dweller, it still takes a toll. I honestly feel very much for those who have been pushed into this situation with little preparation. I feel for all of you, with all of your varied challenges and reasons why this is an (almost, I hope only almost) unbearable situation for you. If it takes a toll on us, it must be hellish for some of you. Not just the enforced changes, but the playing up of all the fears and doubts that we try to drown with our routines and our habits and our busy-ness and our noise.

For the first two weeks of the month that I've been home I stayed very busy. I was finishing up an online course I'd been taking. I got the corner where the bookcases are painted, and we installed the new heater. Along with that I rearranged the books on those two shelves and got a lot of material scanned and input into our personal library. I got a bunch of house stuff done that had been waiting for too long. I was working on updating my website (still am), and moving it to a Canadian provider. We were working on my forge space in the shop, which we are building into a more permanent and better set up space. Lots to do – there is always lots to do.

Since that two week period things have slowed down. While I've felt since the initial announcement that this was likely to go at very least into the fall, if not into next year, that first two week period was filled with a sense of urgency. As if I had to get it done, it could be a mistake. I could be called back to work at anytime. What if my next contract actually went ahead? (They went down to the wire before they decided to pull the plug on the next contract I had.) But now, well, now this is the norm for the long haul. That doesn't really distress me, for the most part. There will certainly be challenges, and worries and problems. I know that for many it is a source of extreme uncertainty and distress. Again, I feel for you, and I know how lucky I am in all this.

It has, however, begun to sink in. Staying disciplined is hard. Motivation is hard. The stuff that messes with your head is hard. A lot of people I know – a lot of self-employed artists and others are having a hard time working with the time that they have. The feeling for many is “what's the point?” No one will have any disposable income. Festivals and shows are cancelled. Why make stuff just to have stuff? There are no deadlines, no goals, no sense of urgency.

Some of that has permeated here too. One of my goals this year is to be making at least 3 days a week, whenever possible. Well, now I have the time to make that a habit. To meet that goal. I can't say I'm doing very well with it. I have been trying to give myself some leeway with that. Making can include writing, baking – any out of the norm, ambitious undertaking. Making dinner doesn't count, but in the beginning, making muffins might. I hope to work up to it gradually, this new habit. Even with that leeway, I don't think I've managed 3 days any week except this one. But I forgive myself. And I will keep trying, keep working toward it. And keep forgiving myself for my failings. This is a strange new world (well, every day is a strange new world, but admittedly, this period is stranger than most.) The landscapes shift every day...sometimes more than once per day.

The weather, of course, hasn't helped. In the last week we've had snow all but two days. Now, that is not unheard of up here, even for the middle of April. And I love winter. However, I am ready for it to move on. Snow in the middle of April is not inspiring. It doesn't make me want to work. It doesn't make me want to do anything other than sit by the fire where it is relatively warm. So, I try to have patience with myself for that.

Said weather has pretty much put a hold on the work toward my new shop. It is getting close to the infrastructure being done, but when it is cold and snowy in April, we just don't want to work out there. Now, that is not sensible. Neither the temperatures, nor the conditions are much different than they were in mid to late March. And yet. The fact that it is April now and it is dragging on is what is stopping it (mostly. There are also other things that need to get done...)

So, the point of this post is to remind myself, and anyone who might be choosing to read it that discipline is a practice. When you don't do the thing, look at what happened, what threw you off course, forgive yourself and try again.

The realization that it is okay not to be a superhero is part of the self-care. The knowledge that this is hard and whatever you do or don't do, don't dwell on it, and don't beat yourself up for it, is also self-care. Allowing for rest, replenishment and relaxation that you don't usually get is self-care. It is a lot of hard work, and a lot of scary work to process the fears that this situation brings up for most people. And the changes. Just because it is internal work doesn't mean it isn't exhausting, or any less valuable for being invisible to the naked eye. We all need to allow ourselves room to just be for a bit. It will be a process....as all of life is. But in the quiet it is magnified. So when you need to back away for a little while, allow yourself that respite. Do what you can, that is all we can ask of ourselves.

I believe that for all those self-employed artists who are struggling to keep working in this time of weirdness, that they need to have patience with themselves. Whatever it is that you do, somewhere down the line you will remember that “the point” is that you can't not create. Your need to create will overwhelm the apathy some days, and you can seize those moments and build on them. We all can, whatever our calling is.