Lessons from Abroad - Belgium

Yes,  this post was written some time ago - as with most of them.  Being as we are approaching Remembrance Day, it works well...lest we forget.

There and back again...and I hope the wiser for it. And of course, I had every intention of writing while I was away but it turned out the trip was packed solid. Filled with new faces, new friends (and time with valuable far off friends), new perspectives and ideas and new (and reminders of older) insights. My brain was just too full. I needed time to process it all.

So here I am having been back again for a bit – also full...and hoping to record some of those lessons and experiences and insights in a way that might be coherent if I'm lucky. With some extra luck maybe it will be helpful to some others the way it has been helpful to me.

I will deal with the places and experiences one per post or it will all get way too long.

So, one of the experiences on the list was to go to Belgium for an international Blacksmithing Event to create panels to go around the new WW1 cenotaph that was created. I thought long and hard about it and decided just to be the photographer and cheering section for my partner. Having just failed so often and so spectacularly the last thing I was ready for was to work with unfamiliar people on an international team creating a panel in two days time in front of the public. Screwing up my own work is one thing. Screwing up someone else's work, in front of the public, on a 2 day deadline? Not nearly brave enough in spite of the great opportunity it might have offered me to prove something positive to myself.

I ended up with the best of both worlds. I watched, I listened, I learned, I photographed...I got to watch tons of techniques and ideas of how to make things work. I saw some really great project design and management skills, and some not-so-great ones. I met so many people, numerous of whom are now part of my own cache of international contacts and friends. I was very kindly invited in to take part in the team my partner was on by the project leaders (Shona Johnson & Pete Hill from Ratho Byres Forge in Scotland) when they found out I was also a smith, but I declined – though I did use the opportunity to get beyond the barriers for some better photographs. So in spite of chickening out I got a lot out of it.

Seeing how Shona & Pete designed and planned the execution of their panel knowing that they were in a temporary space with unknown tools and unknown people who might have been anywhere in the spectrum from hobbyist to professional was another huge help to me. Seeing how they laid out the project, designed the individual elements and gave themselves room for change depending on how things went...it was brilliant. I learned a lot about process just from watching them execute this one piece in a complex setting. I think that when I re-do my failed chandelier I will be immensely helped by this experience.

I attended a few of the lectures offered as well. The one I found the most compelling was given by a representative from Hereford College on how they run the program and teach the students to develop a practice....this was to prove to be a theme for the trip. The way that they think about the arts in Europe is wholly different from my exposure to what we do here in North America – at least as far as I've seen. There were things I took away from that lecture that I hope will help me to develop further faster. The main thing was seeing their work studios, in which the wall are quite literally covered with their ideas so that they are surrounded by their own creative inspiration all day every day. Perhaps that is taught here in art college, but never having been a part of that world it is certainly not something I'd seen or experienced before. I know that scientists have that kind of environment – whiteboards & chalkboards everywhere...I think that taking something from that holds possibilities – for me, at least.

The lecture I'd have liked to attend but missed was from South Africa – a blacksmith shop that is wholly solar powered...admittedly not as practical here in Canada as in South Africa, but still, food for thought...

There were public demonstrations not only of the blacksmiths at work creating the panels, but also of a working Farrier - horses were brought in to be shod, some of whom had clearly never, ever been shod before - and others who were a lot more comfortable with the experience.  Watching the skill and the care with which the farrier worked was pretty amazing.    It really is separate from what we do.  And it REALLY is specialized.  Watching someone do it well is pretty amazing.

There was also a gallery of incredible international work for the event – all on the theme of the anniversary of the war – it was called Transitions – how do you move from war to peace and back again....what does it take, how do those transitions come about...it was – as blacksmiths, also about the transition of materials. Some of the pieces were truly amazing and the ideas behind them were very thought provoking.  You can see some of the work here:

http://www.yprespeacemonument.com/category/transition/

When we went to look at the gallery, we stumbled on a space that had yet another art project going on called Coming World Remember Me. The public was invited to participate and press their own moulded sculpture – made of clay that was half from Germany and half from Belgium mixed together (if I understood it correctly). They could do some minor decoration on it and each of those pieces was representative of a life lost in the war. Each participant got a "passport" with a dog tag naming a life lost in the war.

The sculptures would be installed in no man's land – 600,000 of them – along with a number of other pieces and interactive art about the war. For a better description look here:

http://www.comingworldrememberme.be/en

and here:

https://www.visitflanders.com/en/things-to-do/events/top/great-war-centenary/gonewest-coming-world-remember-me-sculptural-art-project.jsp

For 5 euros, we took part, and it was amazingly fun, moving, simple and I learned a lot about the war and the project from our facilitator. It was brilliant.

And of course, the people...there were a handful of other Canadians there, as well as people from all over the globe. Admittedly there were a LOT of participants from the UK since they were the ones who put the whole thing together, and those were a lot of the people I met and got to spend some time with, but I did meet and learn about practices and shops and schools all over, which was hugely valuable. That is about as much of that as my brain can manage for now.

Pondering Pendulums

Some people consult their pocket watch to keep them in mind of the time...

I consult my pocket pendulum to better know my own mind. KPS 2018

As I continue to work toward an updated and revised version of the website, eventually some of my pendulums can be seen there – in the meantime here are a few photographs, and they will be available on my new Etsy site which will be launched on November 1, 2018

This morning I woke up thinking, rather early...and as my thoughts drifted over various subjects I found myself thinking about a conversation I had with two young ladies at the Festival of Wizardry. Perhaps inspired by the time of year, I started thinking about Pendulums, and their why and wherefore.

Where do the decisions for which objects I explore come from? As you might expect, the sources vary. Some come from ideas born of things I see, read, hear or experience. Some come from an attempt to communicate an idea. Some come from suggestions from friends (or strangers), events I work at or attend, specific requests, research......

While there tend to be some running themes in the materials I work with (metal and stones primarily, and now I'm beginning to add plants) the items produced from these things can seem a bit random at times. It occurred to me that it might be very appropriate to spotlight some of the items and tell people how they came about and why I continue to produce them...and what they are to me.

Pendulums, while very popular in some circles, are not something that most people think of much, if at all. For me, the inspiration came from two quite different sources. The first Festival of Wizardry I was a vendor at was one of those sources...I knew I needed some things that were more specific to  the theme of that particular show. I was bouncing around trying to think of things to make that worked for both me and it. Additionally, it was the brilliant suggestion of a friend that brought me to consider Pendulums as a class of objects . I realized that they could be a natural extension of the Stonewraps I have done for decades now, and that my previous research into stones, and my experience in making, could be directly applied.

People may or may not know that in my own personal spiritual practice I am a witch, and tend toward the mystical side of things. But to me, that is personal, and while it can make a great marketing tool for something like the Festival of Wizardry, I am not willing to commercialize my spirituality to any great extent. Particularly because there is a huge gulf between Harry Potter and my own personal practice.

These things both do, and do not, have some bearing on the pieces that I make. Mostly it has to do with the process and the materials I work with. I do not specifically charge or infuse any of the objects I make, but I do individually choose my materials. In the making process - particularly in working with stones -I have to be in the right “headspace” . This can vary with the materials and the object, but with stones I find I need a place of quiet and calm, where I can “listen”, for lack of a better description. I have had numerous comments over the years that my work is “different”, and I fully believe that this process is the defining factor. The stones, in particular, each have their own energies and I don't feel it appropriate to add my own – that is for their end user to do, or not, as they choose. For my part, I respect the materials I am working with and I love working with them. What I do has to intrigue me and captivate me – if it doesn't then there is no point for me. So, if people consider that “infusing it with positive energy” well, then yes, I suppose I do. But that is a natural part of my process and I am uncomfortable using it as a marketing tool.

I won't make an item just because it might be a good seller. That is not how I work – that is not why I work. So pendulums had to find a way to fit. Stone wrapping techniques and handmade chain were part of that. And the main way that that worked was to find just the right array of unusual stones that came to some semblance of a point (or multiple points in some cases).

The two young ladies I spoke about wanted to know how pendulums work. Perhaps others do too...

The principle behind pendulums is simple: from a standstill, hold the pendulum – establish a direction for yes, no, and maybe, by asking simple yes or no questions you already know the answers to. Each individual is different. The direction of the swing establishes which direction is yes, which is no – typically undecided or maybe is a circular motion. (Although for some, 'circular' may be yes, or no.) Once you know what is yes and what is no, maybe is whichever motion is remaining.  Almost anything can be used as a pendulum, but many people prefer to use an object that has personal significance or added "helpful properties".

Pendulums are a simple communication tool. Who are you communicating with? Well, in my personal opinion and experience - generally it is your higher self. It is an easy way to tap into your subconscious pool of knowledge rather than having things mistranslated by all the junk that builds up in your conscious. For some people they see it as communication with their spirit guides, their angels or their deity. And if that connection has been established, and that is who you are directing the question to specifically, there is no reason to think otherwise. (You ask your higher self, who conveys the question to the spirit in question – your higher self likely has an easier time accessing conversation with spirit entities – and then conveys the answer back to you.) It is, in my opinion and experience extremely rare and only in highly unusual circumstance that any kind of unpleasant entity or energy can get involved. The answer comes through what I will describe as micro-currents running through your body that create the movement to show you the answer. You are not making conscious movements or consciously directing the pendulum – so the answer is coming from a place that is otherwise difficult to communicate with. It is thus a tool to communicate - to help you clarify what a part of you knows, but the rest of you is getting in the way of.

This is not meant to be any kind of a treatise on practice, belief or spirituality/religion. It is not meant to start a debate or discussion on how these things work. It is no more than an explanation of how these items came to be in my inventory and how I see them. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and choices. It is a little about the objects, but true to form, it is mostly about my process.

2018 Festival of Wizardry

2018 Festival of Wizardry

So, this particular post is a bit of a departure from the norm. First off, it will be posted almost immediately after writing. Secondly it is more a general “what's happening” report. It is also an opportunity to say “Thank you” to all the wonderful people who visited my booth, and to the vendors I met who were so great! So...THANK YOU.

I know I have been lax about getting my postings out over the last while. There has been a lot happening – I'm working through a post on a local archaeology dig we volunteered on recently, we've been doing renovations to the studio spaces here and I have been getting ready for the both the above named festival and launching my Etsy site (coming soon!!!)

So, what is the Festival of Wizardry, and why am I writing about it?

If what I understand is correct, this was the Festival's 3^rd year running – this year and last it was held in Blyth, Ontario...the first year was in Goderich, Ontario. It is a Harry Potter themed festival – with everything from live Quidditch matches to costumed “Dementors” wandering the festival and trying to scare people, and this year a visit from Bonnie Wright who played Ginny Weasley in the films.

I'm afraid I didn't see much of the grounds at large because I was one of the many vendors at the festival again this year (last year was my first year as a vendor there.) When questioned, it seemed that those who visited this year's Festival of Wizardry had a good time. There were lots of smiling, wide eyed kids, with mostly happy adults in tow...and a good number of costumed or House Scarf clad adults who seemed to be enjoying themselves and had good things to report.

This event has its challenges – as do they all. As an outdoor event it has been somewhat plagued with inclement weather both years that I have been vending. The organizers have had to cancel – a full day of the two last year, and the majority of the Friday this year. Though they still did have some indoor activities organized for the public to extend their entertainment in the community centre building for the Friday.

I have heard (and read) a fair bit of grumbling about the cancellation last year, but the truth is that on both occasions I believe the organizers did the right thing. They put the safety of the public, the vendors and entertainers and their own staff first. And that is something I applaud them for, wholeheartedly.

I thoroughly enjoy the people I meet at this event. I have really wonderful, and sometimes very surprising conversations, with strangers who feel very much like friends. I often learn interesting and unexpected things from them, and sometimes I get great ideas from something they say.

This year I ended up introducing a number of people to the challenges of writing with a dip pen, as I had made handmade ink and feather pens for the event. I think everyone enjoyed giving it a go, and it was fun to see the understanding of what a different skill it is being discovered by kids and adults alike. (And as a bonus there were no accidents involving very staining ink! Everyone was very careful and a lot of fun.)

The other thing that I wanted to do in this blog post was point people toward what I felt were the two “best booths” at the festival in terms of vendors. Don't get me wrong – there were lots of great, creative people there, but these two really stood out for me.

In the running for best display for sure, but outstandingly the best “craft” product there (in my opinion) is Art by ENSS (Shannon Scollard's Glass Art.) The detail and rendering that she can create in her small sculptural glass is pretty amazing. She had made some very smart and creative product particularly for this show – not only a selection of gorgeous wands in exotic woods with glass tops, but some of the wands have interchangeable glass tops. Pendants and small sculptural pieces along with the jewellery that she had on offer -I can hardly imagine the hours that went into it all.

The presentation of the booth was well thought out, the work was stunning. The pyramid displays of wand toppers and other pieces was great, and I particularly liked the splayed wand racks...it made the work feel vibrant and active. Shannon herself was a work of art with a different steampunky/witchy outfit for each of the 3 days.

Her work can be found on facebook here:

https://www.facebook.com/ArtByENSS/?ref=br_rs

I believe there is also an Etsy site under Shannon Scollard. I think everyone should take a look at her amazing work.

The other booth that I thought was outstanding, and had a spectacular display was EYRIE Apothecary. The lovely ladies of the Apothecary specialize in hand blended artisinal teas, hot chocolate flavours, skincare and a few choice jewellery/accessory items. The EYRIE booth was a masterful display which was clean and simple yet very fun with a clear tie in to the theme without hitting people over the head. And I have to say that their product smelled delicious. I plan to add some of the tea blends to my own cupboard as soon as I can make some room!

(Full disclosure here – it turns out that one of the ladies is a former student of mine, but I didn't realize it until the last 20 minutes of the festival. It has probably been 15 years since I've seen her and she has changed career paths, and was completely out of context.)

EYRIE's website can be perused here, and you will find the same clear and interesting design sense on their site.

https://www.eyrieco.com/

They also have a facebook page which can be found here:

https://www.facebook.com/eyrieco/

I sincerely hope that both of these companies do well, as I think they are well worth people's attention and patronage. Clearly these are people who put a great deal of thought into not only their product but how they market it (maybe I can learn something??). I hope they find the following that they deserve.

So, that was the 2018 Festival of Wizardry from my limited perspective...and now, for something completely different.....

Processing change - reflections

Turn to face the strange....

Life changes, people change, the world changes...change is a constant, and some are grand, some are minute. The sky is always a perfect sky, but it is never the same (or something like that – from Illusions by Richard Bach.) Change can prove to be for the better or the worse, and what is minute can feel monumental or vice-versa.

In my previous posts of the blog, I talked some about the wealth of changes I've been undertaking over the past number of years. Or maybe that I've been overtaken by. I've moved house, and moved from urban back to rural (which makes me very, very happy!) Gone from taking the TTC to my theatre job to having to commute in from rural Ontario, often stay in the city for days – or sometimes weeks – at a time, and have a split life of home and “away”. This would be made easier and less of a change, perhaps, if I had a place to stay in the city that was my own. Then I could just be moving from Country Mouse to City Mouse and back...but anyone who is currently renting in Toronto knows what those prices are like and supporting 2 places on my budget is an absolute no-go...as it is with most people in my situation. (Also another change – with the city to country thing...I am finally living (almost) within my means. So the idea of adding an expense that puts me back in the cycle of being unable to afford my life is not an option I want to take, if I can help it.)  And again, in hindsight, Country Mouse/City Mouse is not all that easy either.  It is still a split, and there is never quite the thing you need, or the sense of home.  At least not for me, so far in the versions I've tried...but then, I'm difficult.

I've moved from being single – for what feels like most of my life – no offense to previous partners, some of whom were quite long term – to being someone's significant other, and to having a significant other. From living as a single person to living in a shared household. I've gone from someone who had only rarely been out of the country – or even the province, to someone who has been overseas multiple times. What else...oh, it turns out that I've gone from being part of a very small family to realizing what it means to have a LOT of relatives - in Scotland. (I always knew about them as a theory, but it is a different thing when the theory has you come for tea.)

And most importantly, I've realized that in order to make this work I have to get serious about making my business and the work I produce more viable. I have to make an actual effort to sell some of it so that I can continue to live in my rural paradise and still eat. And maybe choose how much I commute. In the city I always got by, in part by taking lots of little jobs that were as diverse as a piece of string is long. Over the past few years – or, I suppose, over the past decade those jobs have slowly started to go by the wayside. Some because I let them go, some because they had run their course. And now, the few I have left are coming to the natural end of their life cycle.

My first thought was, I can get a part-time job up here. That, it on more careful thought, requires either a commitment I'm not yet ready to make, or decisions I'm not yet comfortable with. Not to mention jobs up here are scarce, as they are everywhere. Mostly though, I am stopped by the fact that I can't get a “conventional” part-time job unless I am willing to give up my theatre career (which is also, by nature, part-time). And I am not there yet. Strangely, employers are not keen to hire part-time staff who need about 6 weeks off, three times a year or so. Oh, and those are usually evenings and the ever popular weekends. And then there are those fantastic trips over the big waters I've mentioned.

All of this makes me not so much the most desirable employee prospect. No matter how hard I work when I am there. And all this time away from my new home means I'm not making the kind of contacts I had the luck to find in the city – people who needed casual help when I was not otherwise occupied and yes, odd hours – sometimes after midnight – with long gaps was fine. I know how rare and special those contacts were and are, and I have loved each of them for what they have allowed me to do. I think the likelihood of any of them appearing in my current whereabouts are slim, so that means getting down to business. Which is why I'm here, at this moment, writing this blog.

I mentioned that I am a sporadic writer, and a sporadic artist/maker. It is not that I don't have discipline...there are certainly times when my discipline is questionable. But I work from inspiration, and from an overwhelming need to work. That can, I expect, be nurtured to some degree, by being disciplined. It is something I have been learning about as I begin to understand the way artists in the UK particularly seem to work. But, like all of us, I have to eat and keep myself in a home, and frankly, if I'm not inspired or at least intrigued then my work is not worthwhile doing. What comes out is junk. (I know that there are those who will think it is junk when I am inspired....sometimes I'm one of them.)

So the way I had structured my life left me less time and energy for making stuff, inspired or not. And now, all these years in I have to try to learn some new tricks. This is all part and parcel of nurturing that creativity...the part of me that questions and examines and is filled with wonder and awe at the world around me. I have to become less sporadic and believe that what I produce might not be junk. And if it is junk I need to make it junk I can learn from and grow from rather than going into that desolate spiral that tells me that I am junk, therefore all I produce is junk and so shall it be forever more.

 

It is the journey of a lifetime for most of us to realize that we are not failures. We fail sometimes, sometimes often, sometimes seemingly endlessly. But if we persevere we are not failures.

It is a strange mirror – once my writings were fueled by sadness and turmoil and struggles and they helped me to make space inside myself for hope and quiet. Now I am writing from hope and quiet (sometimes, at least) and my writings are fueled by creation and missteps and the ability to hold that quiet and look at the things that cause ripples in it and see my reflection rather than just the ripples. And to know that they are ripples, rather than tidal waves. A great deal of that comes with age I expect, and experience. I am lucky to have and grateful for the ability to be able to turn and face what is before me, and to know that however rough the terrain is I have a reasonably comfortable seat to ride it out in.

Nature vs. nurture?

I am not a blogger by nature – as I'm sure anyone who has been reading this blog has guessed.. When I first heard of them I thought they were an odd idea and couldn't see their appeal – not for the readers, anyway.   I am beginning to come around – in terms of some kind of understanding at least. And I have read blogs that I have appreciated (as well as ones that I have not.) I am a reader, but I'm not much of a blog reader...There are some I've begun to read if they catch my eye when I have a moment, but I'm not very good at following... (blogs). But then, I'm trying to change (some) of my ways.

Rather than the previous sad attempts I made at this blog which are evidenced in its archives, I started a number of months before I thought I would have the guts to publish any of it. (It turns out that I wrote two initial “I'm trying to restart the blog” postings...Very different ways of saying some of the the same things. This includes some of the remains of the one that didn't get published....)

Every time I think I have something to write, I write it and stash it in a file. I think I've mentioned that before. So what you are reading may well not be what is happening just now...I figured if I had a small stockpile that just needed a tweak before I put them out I might manage to keep ahead of the curve. That is part of why you will find this has headings and sub-headings.

So anyone does actually read this and they like, for example, reading about me making an absolute catastrophe of a project I tried and looking back on it – hopefully with some insight as to where it went off the rails – they know they want to read bits of the Learning Curves grouping, for example. It will make it easier to skip over installments, in theory at least.

It also makes it easier – at the moment – for me to write them. There will be lots of sections that will fit just as well under one grouping as another, they are all connected by that central pivot, my experiences and thoughts and processes. The truth is, I have become a very sporadic writer. I used to spend huge amounts of my time writing. I couldn't hold things in without getting really full, so I wrote about them. I know lots of people who did the same – when they were younger. I never thought I'd lose that, but I stopped finding the time. I stopped waking up in the middle of the night needing to write.

Or, I suppose, mostly. Because it is just before 3 and I got out of bed because I certainly wasn't going to sleep, so here I am. Certainly when it comes to this blog I am a sporadic writer. Sometimes things will come in waves and then I won't write again for months, or years. (I am also a bit of a sporadic artist/maker when it comes to that...) So writing in themes and entries is an easier way for me to stockpile them. Because that is what I'm doing.

It is one of the tools I'm using to make the changes I clearly need to make.  I am trying the nature vs. nurture approach...if it is not in my nature, perhaps I can create the change by nurture...

Life is all about change and most of us

have as much or more of it than we can handle at any given moment. In the past few years I've been in a whirlwind of change – but as we so often do, I'm not sure I've been changing with it. Certainly not at the rate of the changes surrounding me. I've been lagging sorely behind in my ability to keep up and cope.

Since I appear to be changing everything else in my life, why not see if I can initiate some crucial positive changes in how I work, how I write....The thing about change en masse is that it kind of wipes the slate clean. Enough change basically makes you start again – almost from scratch but with a more advanced toolkit to start with and a better idea of how to develop a plan and move forward, provided you are someone able to learn from mistakes, that is.

And that is what some installments are going to be about – not just my changes and challenges, but ones that so many people face – and some of the tools I use to try to make things work. Like this blog is becoming a learning tool...and maybe it can be a teaching tool too, at some point.

Breathing

It was well beyond time for it to happen, and I am not surprised. The commission is too far overdue and has been called off. And yet, I will continue – with the piece partially assembled that is what makes the most sense. But having gained some perspective, I will breathe first. I will try to do some work at which I can feel successful. I will try to nurture the joy I remembered that I still have before I turn back to the project so that I can make it something good...something that didn't just get put together because it needed to be done.

The truth is that it also frees me up a little in terms of the parameters of the project – things we had discussed that as the project started to go sideways got lost, and then I would have to try to re-integrate although they no longer made sense. Someone who was smart and more sure of themselves would have just kept the communications open with their customer as the project progressed and discussed each of these elements.

As nice as they are I knew that I was so far behind on the project that I crawled further and further into my insecurity and the idea of communicating with the customer terrified me. Not because of them, but because of my own issues. Had I approached the project that way from day one, it likely would have gone very differently.

Among the many things I have learned from this project is that I need to be very careful of the type of commissions I take – especially at this stage in this venture. I went through a period where I had decided that I would never take a commission again because I was clearly incapable of producing one. That was a stage that lasted several weeks. Wallowing in my anger at myself, kicking myself and berating myself. Very productive. But it was a process – grieving for the image of who I thought I could be, some kind of girl hero who could do it all with ease and certainty and success. And once I was done I was able to move on more rationally.

When I went back and looked at things more rationally I understood that what I needed to do was choose my early commissions with a more realistic eye and expectation. Don't try to choose something that made me jump 15 steps further in my practice of the trade than where I was standing. Don't say yes based on the estimations of those who have been making their living doing this and only this for 10 years or more. They aren't wrong, but they see the world differently. Maybe in the first year, but by year 10 they are seeing the early years through a different lens. And they may be in a different situation. Transitioning from one career path to another, changing the balance of multiple jobs or careers is a different thing than struggling to do one thing and make ends meet. Their advice and insight is very valid, but they see things from a different perspective. And sometimes they see things as easy because of where they are in their own process. Or maybe sometimes others are just too generous in what they think I am capable of.

The first steps I need to take are to start creating a more regular practice. It is easy to say that when you have “time off” you will go out to the forge every day. Your faith in your passion says you will. But other things creep in. Life creeps in. And for me, trying to balance the shift – especially since I don't really know how this shift is really going to work...I changed so much all at once – finding any balance at all has been a huge challenge.

It has effectively taken me 2 years to get enough of my sea legs to be able to look at the world around me and get a sense of which way was up. Turns out I've been thinking down was up this whole time...so now I need to take a deep breath and realign my perspective of the world. I need to re-evaluate everything. And I've gotten this sense of the waters just as I head out to unfamiliar seas again. 6 weeks of a working trip to Europe...amazing! Yes...but also another invitation to disorientation.

Yet another round of waves to make the world askew...lets see if I can remember which way is up by holding onto the rail....

Reminders and Discoveries

So, throughout this new version of the blog I have been talking about how much you are your business and facing up to some of my failures. That is bound to continue. But yesterday, I went out to the forge and I was reminded of something. In the wake of beginning to try to chase my dream, in the face of some things coming to pass that I could not forsee which led me down the path to my goals, I have lost sight of something. I have lost sight of the love and the passion for what I do. Yesterday in the heat and the noise and working through trying to fix yet another error I checked in with myself for the first time in a long time and I found the joy again.

My head was still filled with the desire to please, the fear of failure, the proof of failure. The feeling of being lost in an unfamiliar landscape and not having a sense of direction in my new life was still there, if not so overwhelming. There was still the frustration of every stroke that was not just so, the criticism chorus running in the back of my head. The empty wasteland of this object just not looking like it had in my head, and veering farther and farther from my hopes...

But there was an undercurrent that I had stopped noticing beneath all of that at the quiet core of my being. Beyond the swearing at the scale burns and feeling sloppy because the heat made me tired before I began there was something else. When I noticed it, it helped me to keep going long after I felt I was being useful, and to get further into the project than I'd expected.

There was a deep well of calm and contentment there. There was a joy at the rhythm of the hammer that I feared I had lost. There was a quiet joy in forming the shapes from something else.

And in those moments I realized that I had not lost my love. I had not wasted time and money on tools and plugging away at something I was now afraid to do. All of this was not a mistake. All the effort that I, (and several other people!), had put in to making me a space to do this thing I love but have been avoiding – it was not a mistake.

I have been letting the fear get in the way. I have been allowing what skill I have to languish and rust. I have been avoiding something that brings me peace and contentment and joy because I have been chasing something that is not mine. I have been chasing other peoples ideas of what this is for me. I have been trailing after things I have seen others doing successfully and failing at them miserably. I should know better than this. But I forget. I get lost in the world of expectations and trapped in my own cycles of making do for fear of not doing. And the irony is, those very attempts have had me doing exactly that – Nothing.

I hang around with a lot of really amazing people who all excel at what they do. As one of them likes to point out – everyone is at one end of the bell curve, the top end. This skews my judgement, at the very least, and my expectations. It has also created a streak in which I wanted to try to “keep up with the Joneses” which is utterly unrealistic. And it has taken me away from what I do best, which is making my own path through things rather than following any of those set out by others. As skillfully as they may be laid out, I am someone who learns best by stepping off the path and poking under the undergrowth to see how life is lived there and what I can learn from it. Not that there aren't things to be learned on the path too, and sometimes they are the same lessons...but I often think I speak a different language. I don't get the nuance that leads to understanding undercurrents and big picture stuff unless I have sniffed around on my own.

So, I approached this project from entirely the wrong angle. I was trying to play a game for which I didn't know the rules or how to use the equipment. I didn't even know which field I was supposed to play on. Truth is, I think I was trying to impress people. I couldn't have failed harder at that if I'd set out to do just that.

So now, on some level, I am starting again. Oh, no – I'm not restarting the whole project, as much as I've thought of that numerous times, starting again from scratch now that I have the glass and the light. As much as I think it might yield a better result the truth is I now know it would put the project back by such a huge amount of time (because I have a slightly more realistic view of my real schedule) that it would just be the wrong thing to do. But I am starting again in terms of seeing the project through my own lens, and walking my own path to complete it. I am starting again with the comfort of having remembered that this is actually being made with love and care and as a discovery process.

I think I am starting again from the other side of the wall I built between me and it.

I do what I do because I love what I do. That has always been how I've worked, but sometimes I try to convince myself of that love rather than just reaching in and feeling it, and that tends to be when everything goes horribly wrong.

My work may or may not have merit in the wider world, but as long as it has merit to me I am doing the right thing. So here's to a new chapter of lessons born of failures as well as those born of success.