Don't Hold Your Breath

It has been a rough week...all the downhill of the rollercoaster. One of those points where I feel like I'm so far behind, ten years behind and trying to catch up?... it is all futile. Wasted effort. I see that I have been given what I've been asking for, been working towards, but it all feels too late. I've wasted it, all those gifts. The economy has changed. The political climate has changed. The world has changed and I missed my opportunities. I can do the things that I want to do, but forget making a living from it. That ship has sailed. And it will still take me 5 or 10 years to get to where I need to be anyway, to make this work. So why bother...

That has been my week. It is still my week. And yet -

Ride it out. Sit with it, don't push it away into a box.

Sit with that feeling of futility, of failure, of hopelessness.

There is a bit of sun out there, go walk in it, even though it is still cold.

Dealing with the inner world of the challenges of running a business – part time or full, of pursuing anything artistic, or creative, or really anything you are passionate about...it is all part and parcel of the reality. It is the part no one ever talks about – though that is beginning to change.

It is the unspoken struggle, the one we don't admit to for fear of …

When you are on the rollercoaster, you have to remember to breathe.  If you hold your breath, you will pass out and miss the view when it finally goes back up.

So here I am, sitting in it, riding it out trying to focus on the sun rather than the snow.

Knowing without believing that it will clear like the snow will melt and the skies will clear. Working hard at holding faith in the memory of the green and the warmth and the growth – inside and out.

 

Energy In, Energy Out

Discipline, changes, work, money...it all takes energy. There are days when you have so much you can't settle...can't find anywhere to put it, and there are days when you have none. Regardless, you have to make choices with it – how to spend it. A lot of this blog, so far, has been me coming to terms with the changes I'm making. Essentially, talking through the process my brain is undergoing – the conversations I'm having with myself about doing this thing that scares me, really making a go of my business.

One of the things I've always understood is that energy in is energy out. It might change form, but if you don't put in the work you won't get the result. I'm not saying that the work has to be hateful or arduous to get a brilliant result, but it has to be done. The energy I put into my business, and my life, dictates to some measure what is likely to come out the other end. Perhaps not as success or failure – there are a lot more factors involved than that...but I've comforted myself over the years with the knowledge that it was okay that I wasn't doing much business, because, well, I wasn't doing much.

The more energy I put in, the higher the stakes get. The more the potential reward, certainly – and those rewards might come in many forms. I will appreciate each of them, but will I get enough of the form that I will need to make this all work? And of course, that form is the thing you get as an exchange of the energy you put in – money.

To me, money is nice to have but not something I covet. I've learned not to hate it – things you hate but need don't turn up as often as you'd like. I don't believe it to be the root of all evil – sure, it causes problems whether you have it or you don't, but like so many things it is neutral. It is about how it is viewed and how it is used.

I think many of us have lost track of the idea that it is a symbol for the energy expended for the thing that you want. Granted, the way economies work, the way capitalism as a system works, the misguided ideas about the sustainability and necessity of constant growth, the real estate market, the cost of food and housing vs. the pay scales of the average worker...none of these help us to remember what it is meant to be.

Yes, our cash was once based on gold – but gold was valued for its rarity, and for what it took to get it out of the ground and into a form where it could be used....it was valued not only as a metal but for the energy that was put into it. Iron used to be valuable too. And salt. And spices – food in general had more value because it didn't arrive in pre-formed meals from the store. Technology is a great thing, but in aiding us in so many of these processes it has cheapened them. It is also the only way we can sustain this lifestyle we've made as a global people. Industrial farming and the lack of farmlands we now have – all that land that has turned into condos and shopping malls – without technology and the worldwide transportation that has developed we wouldn't be able to feed our population, or clothe it, let alone supply it with all the luxuries we take for granted that have become semi-necessities.

And in the end, all of those things still come back to energy. Food gives us the energy to run our bodies. Clothing changes how much energy we have to put out to keep warm and functional (at least in places not too close to the equator) and allows us to focus on other necessary tasks. Money means we don't have to be able to provide for all our needs ourselves. It allows us to buy food rather than grow it, hunt it or gather it. To buy clothing rather than growing plants to process fibres to weave cloth and cut and sew clothing. In theory, we pay for others to do those things. In theory the price we pay to purchase those things is to pay for the whole of the process. Nevermind that our pricing for things is backwards and the people who do the bulk of the work don't get the bulk of the money on average – that is for someone politically minded to take up and wave banners about.

It is, however, particularly important and incredibly challenging as someone who is self-employed. You can only charge for your product or service what the market will bear. Figuring out what that is and who your market is – what will they bear...all a huge factor. And in a global market that means finding people who are educated enough to perceive, or educating people to the fact that energy in is energy out. And that means all the energy – the energy to run the business as well as make the product or perfom the service. It means that part of your pricing has to reflect the inventory creation and update, the tax records and filing, the equipment or tools that were required to make the thing and or the knowledge and skill required. It means the classes, the schooling, the physical workspace, the raw materials, the design...everything you do for your business, all the energy you put in whether it is in money, in time or in effort – or all three, or another form I've left out... it all has to be rolled into that price and divided by the number of units you can manage somehow.

The majority of us have lost track of that too. And as self-employed persons, as makers and doers we have to try to educate the world and remind them that in this global marketplace, yes, you can find a better price, but if you want this thing from this source, that is what you are paying for. This education, this realization is a part of it, because it is a part of the energy I am expending in taking time to interface with you. And when energy in doesn't reflect energy out...well, that is not sustainable in the long term. For any of us.

Keeping the Faith in the Face of Reality

Here we are at the end of February...the snow is thick on the ground and falling. The temperatures have been fluctuating wildly, often within the space of 10 or 12 hours. I am on a short break between opera and ballet in my “other” job, and even 4 days in feeling pretty wrung out. And I have sent off another vendor application and fee.

It is cold, I am tired and want little more than to huddle on the couch with a warm kitten in my lap and drink a boatload of tea. The thought of going to even my indoor studio, ('cause there is no way I'm going out to the forge today!) wears me out. But in its own way so does the list of ideas in my head, the longer they wait to be attempted the more wearing they are. There are far too many days when just the idea of making dinner is more daunting than I can face, but still, I persist. I make things.

In spite of shows that are financially a bust (rarely is there a show that does not have some non-monetary value for me in friends, contacts, and learning)...in spite of all the work that went into an Etsy site that feels marginally futile(views but no sales)...in spite of all the evidence to the contrary I persist.

Like many artists entrepreneurs and small businesses who struggle in the face of a shift in the economic trends, the fashion trends, the societal trends...for some reason we all persist. In my case, I hedge my bets by having a “job” - my part-time career that has so often paid the way for my business. And I'm one of the lucky ones in the way that works out for me.

Why? How? ….Why do we keep going?

For many of us, we know – we believe – that the work is good. It is not a fault of the work. For most of us we are driven, we need to do the work – whatever it is. We know that for one reason or another it is important on some fundamental level.

It is hard, in the cold dark hours, but we do it. We keep the faith. We keep doing the work even when the work feels like it is our undoing.

Maybe we are mad, mad as the proverbial chemically compromised Hatter.

So, maybe today I will huddle on the couch...but before my time at home is out I will pick up the hammer, or the pliers. I will rediscover the joys of that costly bag of stones I bought just waiting to be worked. I will move some of the ideas out of my head and let them flow from my hands. Some of them may still be with me ten years on, but even knowing won't stop me.

So for those of you out there who are feeling futile and overwhelmed in the face of the weather, the economic realities and life in general...know that right or wrong you are not alone and I, for one, look forward to discovering your work – whatever it is.

Lessons from Abroad - Belgium

Yes,  this post was written some time ago - as with most of them.  Being as we are approaching Remembrance Day, it works well...lest we forget.

There and back again...and I hope the wiser for it. And of course, I had every intention of writing while I was away but it turned out the trip was packed solid. Filled with new faces, new friends (and time with valuable far off friends), new perspectives and ideas and new (and reminders of older) insights. My brain was just too full. I needed time to process it all.

So here I am having been back again for a bit – also full...and hoping to record some of those lessons and experiences and insights in a way that might be coherent if I'm lucky. With some extra luck maybe it will be helpful to some others the way it has been helpful to me.

I will deal with the places and experiences one per post or it will all get way too long.

So, one of the experiences on the list was to go to Belgium for an international Blacksmithing Event to create panels to go around the new WW1 cenotaph that was created. I thought long and hard about it and decided just to be the photographer and cheering section for my partner. Having just failed so often and so spectacularly the last thing I was ready for was to work with unfamiliar people on an international team creating a panel in two days time in front of the public. Screwing up my own work is one thing. Screwing up someone else's work, in front of the public, on a 2 day deadline? Not nearly brave enough in spite of the great opportunity it might have offered me to prove something positive to myself.

I ended up with the best of both worlds. I watched, I listened, I learned, I photographed...I got to watch tons of techniques and ideas of how to make things work. I saw some really great project design and management skills, and some not-so-great ones. I met so many people, numerous of whom are now part of my own cache of international contacts and friends. I was very kindly invited in to take part in the team my partner was on by the project leaders (Shona Johnson & Pete Hill from Ratho Byres Forge in Scotland) when they found out I was also a smith, but I declined – though I did use the opportunity to get beyond the barriers for some better photographs. So in spite of chickening out I got a lot out of it.

Seeing how Shona & Pete designed and planned the execution of their panel knowing that they were in a temporary space with unknown tools and unknown people who might have been anywhere in the spectrum from hobbyist to professional was another huge help to me. Seeing how they laid out the project, designed the individual elements and gave themselves room for change depending on how things went...it was brilliant. I learned a lot about process just from watching them execute this one piece in a complex setting. I think that when I re-do my failed chandelier I will be immensely helped by this experience.

I attended a few of the lectures offered as well. The one I found the most compelling was given by a representative from Hereford College on how they run the program and teach the students to develop a practice....this was to prove to be a theme for the trip. The way that they think about the arts in Europe is wholly different from my exposure to what we do here in North America – at least as far as I've seen. There were things I took away from that lecture that I hope will help me to develop further faster. The main thing was seeing their work studios, in which the wall are quite literally covered with their ideas so that they are surrounded by their own creative inspiration all day every day. Perhaps that is taught here in art college, but never having been a part of that world it is certainly not something I'd seen or experienced before. I know that scientists have that kind of environment – whiteboards & chalkboards everywhere...I think that taking something from that holds possibilities – for me, at least.

The lecture I'd have liked to attend but missed was from South Africa – a blacksmith shop that is wholly solar powered...admittedly not as practical here in Canada as in South Africa, but still, food for thought...

There were public demonstrations not only of the blacksmiths at work creating the panels, but also of a working Farrier - horses were brought in to be shod, some of whom had clearly never, ever been shod before - and others who were a lot more comfortable with the experience.  Watching the skill and the care with which the farrier worked was pretty amazing.    It really is separate from what we do.  And it REALLY is specialized.  Watching someone do it well is pretty amazing.

There was also a gallery of incredible international work for the event – all on the theme of the anniversary of the war – it was called Transitions – how do you move from war to peace and back again....what does it take, how do those transitions come about...it was – as blacksmiths, also about the transition of materials. Some of the pieces were truly amazing and the ideas behind them were very thought provoking.  You can see some of the work here:

http://www.yprespeacemonument.com/category/transition/

When we went to look at the gallery, we stumbled on a space that had yet another art project going on called Coming World Remember Me. The public was invited to participate and press their own moulded sculpture – made of clay that was half from Germany and half from Belgium mixed together (if I understood it correctly). They could do some minor decoration on it and each of those pieces was representative of a life lost in the war. Each participant got a "passport" with a dog tag naming a life lost in the war.

The sculptures would be installed in no man's land – 600,000 of them – along with a number of other pieces and interactive art about the war. For a better description look here:

http://www.comingworldrememberme.be/en

and here:

https://www.visitflanders.com/en/things-to-do/events/top/great-war-centenary/gonewest-coming-world-remember-me-sculptural-art-project.jsp

For 5 euros, we took part, and it was amazingly fun, moving, simple and I learned a lot about the war and the project from our facilitator. It was brilliant.

And of course, the people...there were a handful of other Canadians there, as well as people from all over the globe. Admittedly there were a LOT of participants from the UK since they were the ones who put the whole thing together, and those were a lot of the people I met and got to spend some time with, but I did meet and learn about practices and shops and schools all over, which was hugely valuable. That is about as much of that as my brain can manage for now.

Pondering Pendulums

Some people consult their pocket watch to keep them in mind of the time...

I consult my pocket pendulum to better know my own mind. KPS 2018

As I continue to work toward an updated and revised version of the website, eventually some of my pendulums can be seen there – in the meantime here are a few photographs, and they will be available on my new Etsy site which will be launched on November 1, 2018

This morning I woke up thinking, rather early...and as my thoughts drifted over various subjects I found myself thinking about a conversation I had with two young ladies at the Festival of Wizardry. Perhaps inspired by the time of year, I started thinking about Pendulums, and their why and wherefore.

Where do the decisions for which objects I explore come from? As you might expect, the sources vary. Some come from ideas born of things I see, read, hear or experience. Some come from an attempt to communicate an idea. Some come from suggestions from friends (or strangers), events I work at or attend, specific requests, research......

While there tend to be some running themes in the materials I work with (metal and stones primarily, and now I'm beginning to add plants) the items produced from these things can seem a bit random at times. It occurred to me that it might be very appropriate to spotlight some of the items and tell people how they came about and why I continue to produce them...and what they are to me.

Pendulums, while very popular in some circles, are not something that most people think of much, if at all. For me, the inspiration came from two quite different sources. The first Festival of Wizardry I was a vendor at was one of those sources...I knew I needed some things that were more specific to  the theme of that particular show. I was bouncing around trying to think of things to make that worked for both me and it. Additionally, it was the brilliant suggestion of a friend that brought me to consider Pendulums as a class of objects . I realized that they could be a natural extension of the Stonewraps I have done for decades now, and that my previous research into stones, and my experience in making, could be directly applied.

People may or may not know that in my own personal spiritual practice I am a witch, and tend toward the mystical side of things. But to me, that is personal, and while it can make a great marketing tool for something like the Festival of Wizardry, I am not willing to commercialize my spirituality to any great extent. Particularly because there is a huge gulf between Harry Potter and my own personal practice.

These things both do, and do not, have some bearing on the pieces that I make. Mostly it has to do with the process and the materials I work with. I do not specifically charge or infuse any of the objects I make, but I do individually choose my materials. In the making process - particularly in working with stones -I have to be in the right “headspace” . This can vary with the materials and the object, but with stones I find I need a place of quiet and calm, where I can “listen”, for lack of a better description. I have had numerous comments over the years that my work is “different”, and I fully believe that this process is the defining factor. The stones, in particular, each have their own energies and I don't feel it appropriate to add my own – that is for their end user to do, or not, as they choose. For my part, I respect the materials I am working with and I love working with them. What I do has to intrigue me and captivate me – if it doesn't then there is no point for me. So, if people consider that “infusing it with positive energy” well, then yes, I suppose I do. But that is a natural part of my process and I am uncomfortable using it as a marketing tool.

I won't make an item just because it might be a good seller. That is not how I work – that is not why I work. So pendulums had to find a way to fit. Stone wrapping techniques and handmade chain were part of that. And the main way that that worked was to find just the right array of unusual stones that came to some semblance of a point (or multiple points in some cases).

The two young ladies I spoke about wanted to know how pendulums work. Perhaps others do too...

The principle behind pendulums is simple: from a standstill, hold the pendulum – establish a direction for yes, no, and maybe, by asking simple yes or no questions you already know the answers to. Each individual is different. The direction of the swing establishes which direction is yes, which is no – typically undecided or maybe is a circular motion. (Although for some, 'circular' may be yes, or no.) Once you know what is yes and what is no, maybe is whichever motion is remaining.  Almost anything can be used as a pendulum, but many people prefer to use an object that has personal significance or added "helpful properties".

Pendulums are a simple communication tool. Who are you communicating with? Well, in my personal opinion and experience - generally it is your higher self. It is an easy way to tap into your subconscious pool of knowledge rather than having things mistranslated by all the junk that builds up in your conscious. For some people they see it as communication with their spirit guides, their angels or their deity. And if that connection has been established, and that is who you are directing the question to specifically, there is no reason to think otherwise. (You ask your higher self, who conveys the question to the spirit in question – your higher self likely has an easier time accessing conversation with spirit entities – and then conveys the answer back to you.) It is, in my opinion and experience extremely rare and only in highly unusual circumstance that any kind of unpleasant entity or energy can get involved. The answer comes through what I will describe as micro-currents running through your body that create the movement to show you the answer. You are not making conscious movements or consciously directing the pendulum – so the answer is coming from a place that is otherwise difficult to communicate with. It is thus a tool to communicate - to help you clarify what a part of you knows, but the rest of you is getting in the way of.

This is not meant to be any kind of a treatise on practice, belief or spirituality/religion. It is not meant to start a debate or discussion on how these things work. It is no more than an explanation of how these items came to be in my inventory and how I see them. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and choices. It is a little about the objects, but true to form, it is mostly about my process.

2018 Festival of Wizardry

2018 Festival of Wizardry

So, this particular post is a bit of a departure from the norm. First off, it will be posted almost immediately after writing. Secondly it is more a general “what's happening” report. It is also an opportunity to say “Thank you” to all the wonderful people who visited my booth, and to the vendors I met who were so great! So...THANK YOU.

I know I have been lax about getting my postings out over the last while. There has been a lot happening – I'm working through a post on a local archaeology dig we volunteered on recently, we've been doing renovations to the studio spaces here and I have been getting ready for the both the above named festival and launching my Etsy site (coming soon!!!)

So, what is the Festival of Wizardry, and why am I writing about it?

If what I understand is correct, this was the Festival's 3^rd year running – this year and last it was held in Blyth, Ontario...the first year was in Goderich, Ontario. It is a Harry Potter themed festival – with everything from live Quidditch matches to costumed “Dementors” wandering the festival and trying to scare people, and this year a visit from Bonnie Wright who played Ginny Weasley in the films.

I'm afraid I didn't see much of the grounds at large because I was one of the many vendors at the festival again this year (last year was my first year as a vendor there.) When questioned, it seemed that those who visited this year's Festival of Wizardry had a good time. There were lots of smiling, wide eyed kids, with mostly happy adults in tow...and a good number of costumed or House Scarf clad adults who seemed to be enjoying themselves and had good things to report.

This event has its challenges – as do they all. As an outdoor event it has been somewhat plagued with inclement weather both years that I have been vending. The organizers have had to cancel – a full day of the two last year, and the majority of the Friday this year. Though they still did have some indoor activities organized for the public to extend their entertainment in the community centre building for the Friday.

I have heard (and read) a fair bit of grumbling about the cancellation last year, but the truth is that on both occasions I believe the organizers did the right thing. They put the safety of the public, the vendors and entertainers and their own staff first. And that is something I applaud them for, wholeheartedly.

I thoroughly enjoy the people I meet at this event. I have really wonderful, and sometimes very surprising conversations, with strangers who feel very much like friends. I often learn interesting and unexpected things from them, and sometimes I get great ideas from something they say.

This year I ended up introducing a number of people to the challenges of writing with a dip pen, as I had made handmade ink and feather pens for the event. I think everyone enjoyed giving it a go, and it was fun to see the understanding of what a different skill it is being discovered by kids and adults alike. (And as a bonus there were no accidents involving very staining ink! Everyone was very careful and a lot of fun.)

The other thing that I wanted to do in this blog post was point people toward what I felt were the two “best booths” at the festival in terms of vendors. Don't get me wrong – there were lots of great, creative people there, but these two really stood out for me.

In the running for best display for sure, but outstandingly the best “craft” product there (in my opinion) is Art by ENSS (Shannon Scollard's Glass Art.) The detail and rendering that she can create in her small sculptural glass is pretty amazing. She had made some very smart and creative product particularly for this show – not only a selection of gorgeous wands in exotic woods with glass tops, but some of the wands have interchangeable glass tops. Pendants and small sculptural pieces along with the jewellery that she had on offer -I can hardly imagine the hours that went into it all.

The presentation of the booth was well thought out, the work was stunning. The pyramid displays of wand toppers and other pieces was great, and I particularly liked the splayed wand racks...it made the work feel vibrant and active. Shannon herself was a work of art with a different steampunky/witchy outfit for each of the 3 days.

Her work can be found on facebook here:

https://www.facebook.com/ArtByENSS/?ref=br_rs

I believe there is also an Etsy site under Shannon Scollard. I think everyone should take a look at her amazing work.

The other booth that I thought was outstanding, and had a spectacular display was EYRIE Apothecary. The lovely ladies of the Apothecary specialize in hand blended artisinal teas, hot chocolate flavours, skincare and a few choice jewellery/accessory items. The EYRIE booth was a masterful display which was clean and simple yet very fun with a clear tie in to the theme without hitting people over the head. And I have to say that their product smelled delicious. I plan to add some of the tea blends to my own cupboard as soon as I can make some room!

(Full disclosure here – it turns out that one of the ladies is a former student of mine, but I didn't realize it until the last 20 minutes of the festival. It has probably been 15 years since I've seen her and she has changed career paths, and was completely out of context.)

EYRIE's website can be perused here, and you will find the same clear and interesting design sense on their site.

https://www.eyrieco.com/

They also have a facebook page which can be found here:

https://www.facebook.com/eyrieco/

I sincerely hope that both of these companies do well, as I think they are well worth people's attention and patronage. Clearly these are people who put a great deal of thought into not only their product but how they market it (maybe I can learn something??). I hope they find the following that they deserve.

So, that was the 2018 Festival of Wizardry from my limited perspective...and now, for something completely different.....

Processing change - reflections

Turn to face the strange....

Life changes, people change, the world changes...change is a constant, and some are grand, some are minute. The sky is always a perfect sky, but it is never the same (or something like that – from Illusions by Richard Bach.) Change can prove to be for the better or the worse, and what is minute can feel monumental or vice-versa.

In my previous posts of the blog, I talked some about the wealth of changes I've been undertaking over the past number of years. Or maybe that I've been overtaken by. I've moved house, and moved from urban back to rural (which makes me very, very happy!) Gone from taking the TTC to my theatre job to having to commute in from rural Ontario, often stay in the city for days – or sometimes weeks – at a time, and have a split life of home and “away”. This would be made easier and less of a change, perhaps, if I had a place to stay in the city that was my own. Then I could just be moving from Country Mouse to City Mouse and back...but anyone who is currently renting in Toronto knows what those prices are like and supporting 2 places on my budget is an absolute no-go...as it is with most people in my situation. (Also another change – with the city to country thing...I am finally living (almost) within my means. So the idea of adding an expense that puts me back in the cycle of being unable to afford my life is not an option I want to take, if I can help it.)  And again, in hindsight, Country Mouse/City Mouse is not all that easy either.  It is still a split, and there is never quite the thing you need, or the sense of home.  At least not for me, so far in the versions I've tried...but then, I'm difficult.

I've moved from being single – for what feels like most of my life – no offense to previous partners, some of whom were quite long term – to being someone's significant other, and to having a significant other. From living as a single person to living in a shared household. I've gone from someone who had only rarely been out of the country – or even the province, to someone who has been overseas multiple times. What else...oh, it turns out that I've gone from being part of a very small family to realizing what it means to have a LOT of relatives - in Scotland. (I always knew about them as a theory, but it is a different thing when the theory has you come for tea.)

And most importantly, I've realized that in order to make this work I have to get serious about making my business and the work I produce more viable. I have to make an actual effort to sell some of it so that I can continue to live in my rural paradise and still eat. And maybe choose how much I commute. In the city I always got by, in part by taking lots of little jobs that were as diverse as a piece of string is long. Over the past few years – or, I suppose, over the past decade those jobs have slowly started to go by the wayside. Some because I let them go, some because they had run their course. And now, the few I have left are coming to the natural end of their life cycle.

My first thought was, I can get a part-time job up here. That, it on more careful thought, requires either a commitment I'm not yet ready to make, or decisions I'm not yet comfortable with. Not to mention jobs up here are scarce, as they are everywhere. Mostly though, I am stopped by the fact that I can't get a “conventional” part-time job unless I am willing to give up my theatre career (which is also, by nature, part-time). And I am not there yet. Strangely, employers are not keen to hire part-time staff who need about 6 weeks off, three times a year or so. Oh, and those are usually evenings and the ever popular weekends. And then there are those fantastic trips over the big waters I've mentioned.

All of this makes me not so much the most desirable employee prospect. No matter how hard I work when I am there. And all this time away from my new home means I'm not making the kind of contacts I had the luck to find in the city – people who needed casual help when I was not otherwise occupied and yes, odd hours – sometimes after midnight – with long gaps was fine. I know how rare and special those contacts were and are, and I have loved each of them for what they have allowed me to do. I think the likelihood of any of them appearing in my current whereabouts are slim, so that means getting down to business. Which is why I'm here, at this moment, writing this blog.

I mentioned that I am a sporadic writer, and a sporadic artist/maker. It is not that I don't have discipline...there are certainly times when my discipline is questionable. But I work from inspiration, and from an overwhelming need to work. That can, I expect, be nurtured to some degree, by being disciplined. It is something I have been learning about as I begin to understand the way artists in the UK particularly seem to work. But, like all of us, I have to eat and keep myself in a home, and frankly, if I'm not inspired or at least intrigued then my work is not worthwhile doing. What comes out is junk. (I know that there are those who will think it is junk when I am inspired....sometimes I'm one of them.)

So the way I had structured my life left me less time and energy for making stuff, inspired or not. And now, all these years in I have to try to learn some new tricks. This is all part and parcel of nurturing that creativity...the part of me that questions and examines and is filled with wonder and awe at the world around me. I have to become less sporadic and believe that what I produce might not be junk. And if it is junk I need to make it junk I can learn from and grow from rather than going into that desolate spiral that tells me that I am junk, therefore all I produce is junk and so shall it be forever more.

 

It is the journey of a lifetime for most of us to realize that we are not failures. We fail sometimes, sometimes often, sometimes seemingly endlessly. But if we persevere we are not failures.

It is a strange mirror – once my writings were fueled by sadness and turmoil and struggles and they helped me to make space inside myself for hope and quiet. Now I am writing from hope and quiet (sometimes, at least) and my writings are fueled by creation and missteps and the ability to hold that quiet and look at the things that cause ripples in it and see my reflection rather than just the ripples. And to know that they are ripples, rather than tidal waves. A great deal of that comes with age I expect, and experience. I am lucky to have and grateful for the ability to be able to turn and face what is before me, and to know that however rough the terrain is I have a reasonably comfortable seat to ride it out in.