Remembering Things I Know

 The past while has been difficult for me - not impossible, not tragic, nothing that isn't manageable.  I know in spite of everything how fortunate I am, but we all have times that are hard or annoying or frustrating and whether or not they are blessed in comparison to some it doesn't make getting through them any easier.

The reality is that for the past couple of years when I go inward rather than calm I find anxiety, rather than joy I find emptiness, rather than wonder I find fear, where there was assurance there is uncertainty.  Not always, but more than I like, more than makes for my norm.  

I go through periods of grace from this, short spurts where the world is bright and I'm excited and motivated and I remember how to be who I've chosen to become.  It keeps escaping me, I can't seem to hold the state I had worked so hard to achieve, and I'm not always sure I can face doing the work again.

The truth is, though, the only way for me to "get my life back" is to decide to take it back.  I am the only one responsible for that, and I am the only one who can make it happen.  There are always circumstances beyond my control.  There are always outside factors which affect me and make it easier or harder...that is just life.  If I want to get my centre back, return to my calm, my quiet, my inner fountain of joy, that's on me.  I have to decide, and then I have to follow through.  It's okay that I'm taking a respite from that responsibility, but if I don't get it back I have only myself to blame.

Relationships are hard work - even our relationships with ourselves and the world around us.  So I'm hoping that I can make a more successful foray into the work of reattaining what I've somehow allowed myself to let go of.  Hopefully it is just a temporary loss, and I know where I end up when I do the work won't be the same, but I owe it to myself, and to all those who do so much to support me and who choose to be in my life and make it so great to get back to the work.  Even if it is only a little at a time.
 

 

Elfworks Studios Wands are now available at the Plant Mystic!

 

Elfworks Studios is extraordinarily pleased to announce that there is now a selection of handcrafted wands for Hedgewitches and Healers available at the Plant Mystic.

 

For those of you who don’t know The Plant Mystic, it is a beautifully curated boutique storefront located at 257 Danforth Ave on the main floor of the Inner Arts Collective. You can learn more about the space at www.plantmystic.com, On July 20^th there is a great way to both check out the space and get engaged with some of its collaborators, as they are holding a Mystic Arts Fair. 

 

The Fair features workshops that are reasonably priced, and cover a wide and intriguing variety of topic areas. Along with the amply spaced workshops which take place in the treatment rooms there is the opportunity to explore the boutique shop space and meet with various readers and seers.

 

I was incredibly impressed with both the space, and its curator, Melanie. This is not your everyday commercial shopping experience, but truly a sacred space carrying carefully chosen and well thought out items to help you create your own sacred spaces and practices.

The website contains hidden treasures of connection and information, and I cannot recommend this space more highly. If you are looking for a brief respite from the chaos of your day, The Plant Mystic offers an energetic haven, as well as an unusual and fascinating selections of objects for you to browse.

Undone

 

Well, it seems I’m back. Over the last couple (or more?) of years I’ve been trying to keep up the digital end, and doing a lot of writing for the business, but none about the business. I’ve got my fingers in so many pies, and been balancing so many plates I’ve forgotten about door number 3. It happens a lot in small businesses – things getting left undone, until something shakes things up.

Even though I’ve dropped a lot of jobs I still have a lot of jobs, and in attempting to keep up with the “new requirements” for running a business (like social media) it adds a lot of work to the day. Scheduling tools help, but you still have to come up with the content. And being a one person show, well, I’m not comfortable with someone else trying to create content to represent, essentially, me. Not to mention I’m very fussy about that content. I prefer (obviously by my spotty record) not to post over posting something I don’t think fits.

It’s all a little like learning a new language, really – but one that changes its verbage every 6 months. Don’t get me wrong – I’m enjoying most of the things I’m doing...It’s been decades since I’ve written so much and I’ve missed it – I’m loving that aspect. Because I’m sticking to my integrity, pretty much everything is something that I do love, something I am passionate about, something that I feel matters.

But life rolls on, and things happen and you suddenly realize you’ve become snowed under with unfinished tasks, and projects you put aside.

For example, I just got some knotting work. Due to several factors, including health related ones, it has been a while since I did any knotting work. And the last piece I did was filled with things new to me, and was quite personal and important to me. So, I went to grab a block to work on and saw that I have a ¾ finished moustache on one of them, a partially finished front from making notes for teaching on another…

My first inclination was to just pull them off and put them aside...but, I stopped for a minute and thought about it. My current project is important but is not a giant time pressure. So, wouldn’t it be a lot smarter to take the 3 hours, finish the moustache, finish the whipstitching on the front and photograph that stage – so that it is ready for it’s next phase when I come back to it – and THEN move on?

Having been exhausted after my last work stint, I also realized that I have 2 other projects in varying stages of being worked on in my studio, and that is on top of the two projects that I had on the list for this week.

All the projects are worth doing. They are all interesting. Some are for money, some are stock, some are for larger projects of greater scope that I am working toward. Obviously the ones with timelines and customers attached take precedence. But it is easy to get distracted and put things aside, until you get through the latest rush job, the latest life crisis, the latest whatever, and then they slip to the edges and get buried. In trying to tidy up to make work space they get cleared away and suddenly they are strangers when you find them again, and it feels like you lost your mojo, or sometimes like you’ve failed (again).

It is easy to leave things undone. It is easy to let them weigh you down and taunt your self-worth, your self-confidence, your belief in what you are doing. As with everything, you just have to find what works for you. Make a partially completed projects book that you can refer to when you have time on your hands so it doesn’t get temporarily forgotten. Make a list, or a whiteboard, or set a reminder in your calendar. Don’t let them lead you to despair. When you are able, take the 3 hours, or 3 days to finish it, or to complete a phase, before you put it away again. Sometimes you just need a break, to see it with fresh eyes for it to come back to life and make your interest or your ideas bloom again.

 

Never give up, never give up that ship!

Too Much Time and Not Enough

 

“If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you’ll never get it done.” — Bruce Lee

I am very much guilty of spending what could be called far too much time thinking about a thing. A whole year has passed since my last blog post.

To be fair, I have made other efforts toward my goals, and I have been working hard at a lot of things – the past year seems never to have stopped being full. Still and all, this has fallen down a deep crack and been lost. It would occur to me occasionally, but I’ve been writing so many other things (including, to be fair, a book - The Good Stuff https://a.co/d/hDmWXIs ) that I just haven’t gotten to the blog.

I have to say that reading the last post I made where I was talking about it being a post-Trump world, and now here we are again approaching that same insanity to be relived on some level….well, it feels a little strange.

So I have been writing, and implementing all kinds of new things. I’ve been working on new projects – most recently been working to expand my concept for my line of “Hearthfire Domesticware” – various cookware items to compliment the ones I’ve worked out already, like my pie lifter – and get me out to the forge more.

I’m participating in two Christmas Markets this year again – both the Paisley Christmas Market that opens today(!) www.paisleychristmasmarket.ca at which there are lots of particularly delicious looking offerings this year (yes, that does mean LOTS OF FOOD!!) and also the Museum of Dufferin’s annual HOLIDAY TREASURES show www.dufferinmuseum.com/holidaytreasures/

While I’m still suffering the effects of frozen shoulder to some extent I am managing to make anyway and will, in fact be making a new ornament again this year.

I’ve been working at the opera, where my boss of 23 years has retired and we will be entering an exciting time with a new Head of Department at the helm. I’ve been continuing work several of my other little jobs, and still working on creating permaculture here, and working on much needed work on the house and property.

I had to replace my beloved car this year, with a newer used vehicle – and there is all the joy and trepidation (and expense!) that goes with that.

And then we are back to all the writing – for Patreon, for the business, for myself….along with all the writing I haven’t been able to do, but think about, and make endless little notes about. 

For those of you who are interested, I’ve implemented a Word of the Week post on Patreon – and for the moment it is going to be a public post every Monday. After a few months I will change it so that it is only for members – but it will be available to members of my free tier, so if you like it you can follow along with a free subscription. https://www.patreon.com/elfworksstudios If you think there are others who would enjoy it, please share it widely. Sometimes it helps to know you aren’t just shouting into the void.

The wearing of many hats will always be a struggle that requires choices to be made, and things will always fall through the cracks. This post is about not overthinking what I’m writing here, but leaping back in with writing something...letting you know that in spite of all the things I’ve failed to do, I’m still here, still making, still doing.

Whatever it is you do, I hope you too are still managing to do your thing – we are all just muddling along together, and it will be better for all of us if we help one another keep going.

Seven Months ?

 Well -

It would appear that I've been MIA for months.  A little over seven of them if you are counting.  I have to say, I'm not in a good place and it has not been an easy year.  I've had to shed things - things I love, things that keep me sane - to keep up.  Don't get me wrong.  There has been a lot of good this year too, even if it is hard to see at times, but it definitely has not been easy.

One of the things I had to put on hold (I haven't really shed them I guess, though it certainly feels like it) is writing.   And I've come to understand that writing is something that keeps me sane.  Whether it is this blog, or things for Patreon, or just things for me - those words coming into my head and then getting let out somewhere - on a page or a keyboard - that exchange helps me stay balanced - or as close as I manage to get.  It lets things flow through me rather than being bottled inside me, fermenting.

And I know that is a part of why I'm not in a good place right now - everything has been fermenting, and it feels distinctly like it has all gone off.  There are a lot of reasons for it, and there are a lot of ingredients that have made things turn toxic, but as with any process you can always throw out the bad batch and start again.

So, here I am, briefly back at the keyboard, pulling off the lid of the bad mix, hoping to wash it all clean and start anew.  Of course, the conditions are always changing, and I'm beginning again in a world I need to squint to recognize.  It seems strange that I say that in a post-Trump, sort of post-Covid world....but somehow those years felt more manageable to me than this last one.  (Of course, Trump was only a disheartening news figure for me, not the president of the place I reside, but still.)

I hope your year has been easier than mine, and that your future looks bright.  I'm not sure where I sit, but I'm tending to myself now, and assessing where I'm at.  From the outside it doesn't look like the path has changed, but internally, as ever, everything is different.  Different isn't bad, it's just what it is.  A new perspective on the landscape.  I look forward to being back, and I'm on my way, but I'm not there yet.  Just wanted to check in and let you all know.

New Shoots

The sun has been out several days in a row, and for the most part the temperatures have actually stayed above freezing. Last night and today is a major rainstorm – but it is above freezing, and (relatively) warm. Some of the snow is beginning to melt and some of my gardens are beginning to reappear. Though there are still a lot of snow filled spots and icy patches it is much easier to walk around outside. 

 March this year was terrible...the freeze/ thaw cycle kept things so icy I actually couldn't get to work twice this year in March. In spite of the multitude of great things going on so far this year it has felt exceptionally hard and the winter has felt incredibly long. Everything is subjective, even when you know that objectively it is not so bad. 

It seems that spring might be moving back in, finally.

 As always, I have high hopes for setting a pace this year, but my moods and enthusiasm seem as fickle as the weather. I really am trying to write again – I have so many partial articles done for my Patreon page...and I know I'm not a brilliant writer, but I'm not a horrible one either. I just can't put something up that is in as rough a shape as most of them are. I am finding it difficult, especially on bad days, to make reasonable sentence structures out of bits of thoughts. I am bereft of terms and phrases – it is like part of my memory disk has been corrupted. As an example, for weeks now I cannot hold onto the phrase “freezing rain”. When I think about what has been happening outside I come up with “icy rain” or “icy bits” but the words “freezing rain” escape me entirely. 

 

I have faith that it will all come back into focus, and my brain and body will begin to reawaken as the weather warms, but the wait feels interminable. So I'm trying to tend the new shoots as they appear, do the work I can as it comes and be patient. Writing when the words come, as much as is possible, doing a lot of the “zen of chain”, waiting for the ice to melt in the slack tub and pushing to do the pressing things in fits and starts. Baby steps, like seeds swelling, but not yet ready to burst forth new shoots into the ground. Having faith that something is, in fact, better than nothing and knowing that I'm not alone in this place, this endless waiting that makes time slow to a crawl while at the same time it disappears before it has even been acknowledged. The mere fact that it is, in fact April already...the winter stayed forever, but where did it go? 

 

 So soak up the sun, the moisture, and the nutrients as they come, because I have a feeling that once those shoots begin to unfurl the pace is going to end up rivalling the speed of light.   I know I'll need every ounce of what I have to keep up.

Addendum to Building Blocks Post

Hello, it would seem that the hyperlinks in blogger are not working. I also wanted to give the image credits.... The info for the missing links is as follows: www.elfworksstudios.com www.etsy.com/nz/shop/ElfworksStudios www.instagram.com/kelly.at.elfworks/ www.facebook.com/ElfworksStudios www.digitalmainstreet.ca www.elfworksstudios.ca www.patreon.com/elfworksstudios Image credits are as follows: All photos are courtesy of Pixabay.com. I did put credits on the photos themselves, but I think I sometimes dropped the second "a" in Pixabay. All the science/atoms images are by Gerd Altmann Brick image by Michael Jarmoluk Coloured wood blocks image by ZeeShutterz Lego image by Clare Dry stone wall by Michael Nichols Gardening/hands by Delynn Talley Wooden puzzle by Hans

Building Blocks

I have been resistant to get into the digital side of business, pretty much forever. I'm not much of a digital person, in spite of all it offers. It just isn't how I work. I've had a website for a very long time, but never got further than a framework, a showcase, really. It was always on the list, but for me the learning curve was too steep and too far outside my real interest to go any further. I've had this blog since 2008, either shortly before or after the set up of the .com site, I would guess. Part of the problem with the blog is the way that blogs had “traditionally” been done – at least as far as I could tell. Everything I had read – and often what I still read – about how to make a “successful” blog is that it is basically a huge marketing thing. Give them tons of soundbites, no depth, and often. Then once in a while throw them the bone of a real article. Use gimmicks, repeat things that are everywhere else. And you are meant to talk about yourself, with enthusiasm and excitement. I never felt I had much to say, (until I hit on this format – I'm really not good at hype) and I wasn't interested in promotion if it wasn't honest. I still believe my work should sell itself. That will only happen if people see it. And that is the problem.

I resisted Facebook for, I don't know, a lot of years. I want to say a decade at least, but I never paid enough attention to when it really started. I could look it up, if I was so inclined. I got an etsy site early, but again never did anything with it until a handful of years ago. Even now I'm not good at that, but it is there at I resisted Instagram until I did the Digital Main Street Program (which I highly recommend if you are eligible and in need). That helped me to create which is my “new” e-commerce site. When I did the program I got the sense that it was useless to make the website if I wasn't going to support it with – at the very least – promotion via Facebook and Instagram. The one I was excited about, and most hopeful for perhaps, was my Patreon site, which I also started in 2021 – before I did the website. The digital is my least favourite thing to do. If I were honest, I kind of hate it. I'm getting better at it, but it really isn't how I work. I'm getting better, though, working through that resistance bit by bit to try to build on tiny increments of momentum.

The Digital Main Street course came up for me in 2021. Perhaps part of its attraction was the ability to finally move beyond the showcase without driving my guru (who set up my showcase and has been my digital angel for about 30 years now) completely insane. As any of you who have been following me for any length of time know, I work on pretty much no budget. For most of my artistic “career” one art has paid for the others. As someone who has always worked a lot of jobs and had a minute theatre career as a make-up and wig person, any of the earnings from that which were left over from living expenses have pretty much always financed Elfworks. They haven't gone far – mostly they pay for materials so that I can make things, and tools. Some has paid for things like the training I've undertaken for blacksmithing work. My guru has been amazing – still is. He has also always had a full time job doing other things, and a life, and all that goes with a life. The time and effort and work he has gifted me are more than enough for a few sainthoods if those were still a thing. So I endeavour to keep my requests and demands to a minimum, but even at that I know full well I ask too much. Not everyone is lucky enough to have friends who will chip in to try to help you succeed at what is clearly a mad endeavour. (I can never thank you enough T, or properly pay you back...) So Digital Main Street was a huge help, and it came on the heels of me getting excited about the possibilities of Patreon. I'd heard about Patreon before, several years ago. I'd toyed with the idea a few times, but I couldn't see how I could possibly make myself fit into that community. A perfect platform for creaters of visual or story arts, podcasts, music, all manner of things. How could the physical stuff that Elfworks makes possibly fit into that model? It sat in the back corner of my brain spinning for a few years, and then it began to grow into an idea.

For about a decade now, Elfworks has made a line of pewter ornaments for the Christmas/Yuletide season. Every year I come up with a new ornament design that fits the seasonal theme and add to the collection. The ornaments could be a kind of subscription. You become my patron, you invest in my making and every year you get a gift in the mail. That was something I could live with. Plus, around the same time I'd begun writing again, a lot more. Some of that was probably because I'd begun to really start to try to write this blog in a more proper fashion. Some of it was because I'd begun writing letters again to friends – something I used to do all the time.

Once upon a time, like probably a third of the population, anyway, I'd wanted to be a writer. I knew that I had neither the chops nor the work habits for it – too distracted by too many things. I'm not bad, but I'm not brilliant. While there are plenty of people out there who are also not brilliant and get published, they clearly have something I don't. I do, however, NEED to write. It is part of how I'm made. Story is such a huge part of my make-up – not just me, I know. As a species it is how we work. I've always written. Stories, plays, poetry, essays....writing a blog should have been an easy thing for me, but too much of me has wanted to stay private and hidden for it to be a comfortable endeavour. It has taken decades for me to begin to be comfortable being visible to the vast unknown of the internet. (Not the best recipe for a business these days.) Being in the public eye was fine, but the internet was too vast and too anyonymous and too random for my comfort. Clearly, I'm getting over that.

Regardless, I'd begun to write again, a LOT. I thought that Patreon would offer me a place to share that work in a safer, more controlled environment. It would encourage me to build my writing skills with writing articles and it would perhaps give me a few cents for the pain of dedicating myself to some digital work. At the very least, people would get that trinket every year for their trouble.

So Patreon had me excited, and I decided to use that as a building block and jump in to making a “proper” website. The truth is, that all the work for the website and creating work for Patreon for that first year or so, (plus the posting to Instagram and Facebook, let's not forget that!) gave me a case of digital burnout. I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did before it hit. I've been faithful to Patreon – at least in so far as posting something every month, creative writing at the very least, though I've seriously fallen down on the articles the last while, like this blog.

Like the sluggish spring, I'm trying to come back. Ever so slowly I'm beginning to work my way out of my cave and begin to re-emerge and be re-energized about this digital stuff. I've been working on getting some new work to put up on the website, as well as getting some kind of photographs of some of my long standing things. (I have taken hundreds of photographs of pewters, but still only have a handful that are good enough for the site. I needed a break, but I'm back at it now.) I'm starting to write again, things that I want to explore in words (and metal...) are re-appearing in my brain after what feels like a long absence. I'm learning about videos, and how to string them together. I've actually started to read about some of this digital stuff to try to understand how it works a little better – of course I'm a decade (or more) behind, but they are all building blocks. Tiny little pieces that are being gathered so that Elfworks can put together a large-as-life presentation with all the bells and whistles. I fully expect there will be peaks and lulls, and more burnout ahead, but I'm stubborn. I never really give up, I just retreat for a while and then come roaring out when you least expect it. One more tiny building block trying to make a better picture of the world.

It's a Lifestle

Okay, I've absolutely fallen off the “at-least-one-post-a-month” horse. But, then, if you know me – or if you follow me at all, you will have figured out (probably long before I did), that “routine” is not really my thing.

I was chatting (writing) a friend recently – an inspiring friend (it inspired this post) about that. My friend has recently become semi-retired. He calls it retired, but I know him, and he is a creative soul, so I'm calling him semi-retired. He retired from his job, but he will continue to do bits of things he loves to do, and that includes lending a hand here and there at the work he retired from (just doing it when it suits him, and not as the boss anymore.) He was talking about finding his routine. It made me think – it reminded me of that post I put up about my “new routine” of taking the mornings for myself. I seem to have been under the impression that if only I could find the “right” routine, I could stick to it. I could be more like everyone else, more normal, a better fit. I am finally beginning to understand that it isn't me. It never will be. Don't get me wrong, I don't think there is a “normal”, nor do I think there should be. We are all different, we all do things in the way that best suits us. The method of doing anything will change as we change, as the world changes. Some of us have habits or methods that don't serve us well, some are even destructive, and certainly, when and if we become ready to change those ways we will (hopefully) find a way to do that. What I believe about others and the world at large rarely applies to what I believe about myself in the dark corners of my secret heart and head. Like so many others, I hold myself to a different standard. Perhaps the best and stupidest (so maybe funniest?) example of this can be summed up by my highschool self. Leggings had become a fashion. (Like I said, stupidest...) They looked comfortable, most people looked good in them. I had a couple of pairs that I'd wear around the house on occasion, but never outside. I was talking to one of my best friends of the time (though we've lost touch she is still very important to me, and this is part of the reason for that – even then she was smart and wise and caring...) and we were talking about what we would wear when we went out. She suggested an outfit for me that included leggings. I responded with something along the lines of, “I can't wear that.” She asked why on earth not...and I said something about them being great – for other people, but I couldn't wear them. She tilted her head, told me that was ridiculous, I could wear whatever I wanted. She gave me permission to be someone I secretly wanted to be. As small and ridiculous as that is, it was huge for me. It smashed down a wall, opened a hundred doors, told me the voice in my head was wrong. Someone I loved and trusted and admired and wished I could be more like told me I could be who I wanted to be. (Thanks forever Nikki.) I've tried to carry that lesson with me, but it is a hard lesson. A lot of those hundreds of doors didn't stay open as long as I'd have liked, but I got to see the vistas they held. The wall has come back into existence, but it isn't very sturdy or very high, and it has places I can get beyond it every few yards. Having this exchange with Charlie reminded me of that. It swept a dark corner clean and reminded me that for all those times that that voice tells me I should be more normal and fit in, that I should be more like I imagine the rest of the world is (and really, it is just how I imagine them to be, not how they really are necessarily), I get to be the person that I am. It is more than just okay for me to be that person, it is good for me to be that person. I realized in that exchange that the lifestyle I live is better described by the term Curated Chaos. I try to influence the direction, but I rarely know what is coming. I set routines that last for short periods to remind me that things are important, or to stabilize the turbulence to a level where I can stand steady and function, but they are just temporary measures. I don't do well in routine.

I suspect that it is part of what attracted me to theatre in the first place, and to blacksmithing and all the other pursuits I have. It is part of why I'll never be full time at any of them, as much as I want to dedicate myself and improve my skills. I do dedicate myself, in bursts, but it will never become routine for me. I always tried to explain it to my students (regarding theatre.) It isn't a job, it's a lifestyle. It is uncertain, it is always changing, you can't predict anything. The hours are long, and don't work with the rest of the world's 9-5 clock because that's who you are playing to, so you are on to their off. Pay is never certain, and rarely the same week to week, if you get any at all on a given week. Contracts get extended or end early. Cast changes and crew changes happen. Being an independent artisan is no different. There is time or money, but rarely both at once. It is a good idea if you need a guaranteed income to supplement with some little job that is flexible and doesn't kill your soul or creativity. You often have to take work on that is less interesting because you have to pay a bill. You might be doing shows or working at the times your friends and family are celebrating birthdays or holidays. You have to wear a lot of hats to keep your business afloat, and the time you spend making is rarely the largest contribution to your business. You can't predict what's coming, but you can help choose the direction it might come from, or at least the direction it moves you. Curated Chaos. It's a lifestyle, it's my lifestyle. It is the life I've chosen. It has good parts and bad, and I'm going to try to stop making myself be “normal” and celebrate what I've got, because what I've got is good. It's uncertain, it's unpredictable but it's also wonderful and creative and full of surprises.

I'll try to at least stay in the stable with the horse that has me writing more often. If I get called away, I will also try not to berate myself for being me.

New Tricks

I went down to the studio today to start work on a pewter project. As usual, I had to clear some detritus from previous projects, days of tidying where I'd tossed stuff onto the tabletop (“just for the moment”). I got the soapstone sanded, but by that time, looking at the bench top was making me a bit squirrelly. I needed to get the bench back....now. Before I did anything else. It didn't take long, and I got to throw out a few bits of junk and make better spaces for things along the way. While I was at it, though, I was thinking about why it is that I have a tendency to work in places other than my studio more often than not. I spent years, decades even, longing for studio space – space where I could just work. Dedicated space with the things I needed to hand, and room to do things without constantly having to clear things first, or reorganize, or set up from scratch or... Here I am, living what is pretty close to my dream, with more than one dedicated studio space, and still, when I think about making chain or about a third of the things I might be likely to do on a regular basis, my first thought is taking what I need upstairs to the table to work. Granted, in the winter, this puts me in close proximity to the stove, which makes for some cozy working. But it means packing things up before, and after – moving stuff from space to space, running down to the studio when I realize I've forgotten something, clearing it all away to allow for our use of the table for other things. It just doesn't make sense. Why on earth is that my first instinct? I've been here a while now, and the studio gets a better flow to it every six months to a year as I try new iterations and figure out my workflow and my real use of the space. So, what is it? I figured out that it boils down to a few things. The first is simply habit. For all the years I've been making I never had a dedicated space. My habit takes me to my familiar table to work, the places I've always worked. I always wanted a space, but I never had one, and now I frankly don't know what to do with it half the time. I suspect that is a part of my unconscious reason for keeping it in a semi-unworkable state.

Another part of it is that I am used to working in a barely controlled chaos state. Maybe a part of me thinks that such a state contributes to my creativity. In forcing myself to think outside the box to get something done I am firing up those creative juices. In clearing a space or setting up my tools I am beginning to get my head into the project. What if I can't create without the chaos? Ridiculous, of course. I will need to prep tools and spaces to a certain degree regardless of whether my space is purpose made and ready. All I'm doing is wasting some of the creative juices on the extraneous tasks. I do suspect that my brain has been playing me a bit though, based on the above idea. I am beginning to think that I have to learn how to work without the chaos. I have to stop being afraid that if I get used to the luxury of this it will disappear and I won't be able to work without it anymore, because I'll have lost the skills and know-how. Nearly every time I tried to create dedicated spaces before they got compromised away, so that is what I'm expecting, somehow. Clearly, having realized all of this, it is time for me to learn some new tricks. Learn to trust in what I have, to glory in it and to use it well while I have it. There will always be an outside chance that it will disappear on me. Things can happen, no matter how unlikely. In the meantime though, I should be making the most of what I've got...I certainly know how lucky I am to have it! Even if it did disappear, I know I could find a way to work – I always have. If I waste what I have now, that is what would make me regretful. So that is one of the many things that I am going to be focusing on in the next while, creating new habits, getting comfortable in the spaces I am so blessed to have at my disposal and learning how to get out of my own way and just make the things that fill my brain and my dreams, all those things my hands ache to do. I'm getting to be an old dog, but I think I've got a little room yet for some new tricks.

Looking Back

I woke up this morning, and was thinking back to some of the things I've written in the last year. I had to shake my head at some of them. Perspective. I'm thinking, in particular of the post I wrote in which I declared the mornings to be mine. I wanted 3 hours, at least, if I remember correctly. That was back in April, and it was right for the time...I managed to keep up that routine for about 5 months, and it was good to establish it. At the time, maybe I even knew it wasn't permanent – but remembering my headspace when I wrote that makes me think of that line in Joni Mitchell's Come In From The Cold. “...I made some value judgements/In a self-important voice” I'm not sure who I was declaring this righteous new routine to, other than myself. Or why I felt the need to be so adamant about it. I was trying to justify it to myself. Sometimes it is hardest to convince ourselves that it is okay to need what we need – particularly in the moment. All the fears and insecurities we (I) have about not being enough, not doing enough. Permission to just do what you need to do, for yourself, for your sanity, for your health...it can be hard not to feel that that has to be justified, or explained, even to yourself. There was a lot of good that came out of it. It created some patterns for me. I got my body back, at least to some extent. When I need to stretch in the morning, I do. There are still days I'm pretty sore, but not the way I was, for months on end. I'm okay to be on the computer in the mornings when I need to – like this morning. I've been pretty terrible about the computer – I'm way behind on my social media stuff, and my website. I have kept up the writing. I have kept up the reading. I'm determined to pick up my fiddle again before the end of the month. These things are all easier because I gave myself that permission – even if I had to stomp my foot and have a tantrum inside myself to do it.

It's funny, sometimes, the paths we take to get to where we are. There are days I look back and think “why on earth did I choose that route? It would have been so much simpler to go the other way.” Not unlike when I was climbing (which I miss terribly.) It's the need to challenge myself, to see if I can figure it out, and regardless of how much more complicated I make it, I generally find I've learned something valuable.

Resolute

 

A random shot of the fire of a smelting furnace - fire is always an appropriate image!

 

Another year has passed. Everything has changed, everything has stayed the same. I've never been one for new year's celebrations, let alone resolutions. Just the other day I was telling the story of being invited to a friend's for New Year's as a kid. I was a bit confused by the vibrancy of their plans. Sure, we recognized it was New Year's in my house, sometimes we'd even stay up until midnight and toast each other with gingerale (or whatever they were drinking that was age appropriate.) A party, fireworks, outdoor raucous ramblings, running around yelling ...it all seemed a bit much. I've always preferred a quieter observance, I guess, for most things. I do understand the impulse to celebrate things – anything and everything can be cause for celebration, and it should be. I've come to understand that sometimes we truly need celebration – particularly wild, ecstatic celebration. It is part of the human condition.

I most certainly understand the impulse to start fresh, to try to improve, to strive to do better … I've always done that, but I tend to do it a lot more regularly – every day, or whenever I'm faced with beginning or ending or failure. To have it as a New Year's thing just never felt right to me, and so, thinking ahead to what I want to try to do in the coming months my choices feel a little disingenuous to me, but a friend has been posting about goals they set last year and goals they are setting for the coming year, and it made me think about things a little differently. The idea of 52 for 52 presented itself to me – 52 undertakings in various areas throughout the year, one each week. The idea appealed as a good way to try to nurture discipline in some of the things I'm trying to work on.

Definitions of the word resolute vary – the various dictionaries don't want to be identical, after all...but they all boil down to the same thing. Merriam-Webster online sums it up nicely as “marked by firm determination.” I like the feel of that, and I've decided that against all my own misgivings, that is what I choose for this year, I choose to be resolute, to be marked by firm determination. Not just in my undertaking of doing certain things on a weekly basis or better, but in my outlook for the year, in my attitude and my actions I will aim to be resolute. And I will celebrate, albeit quietly. I will celebrate anything, and, I hope, everything. Maybe somewhere in there I will find an occasion that demands wild and ecstatic celebration, and if I give in to the impulse my celebrations will be markedly determined.

Where Has the Time Gone?

 

I was so proud of keeping up with my posts on a regular basis...even if it was only once a month. How on earth did I go from August to DECEMBER without realizing I'd missed posting?

Well, it has been pretty busy, actually. I was thinking about it a couple of weeks ago and I realized that I've been working like I did when I was in my 30s over the past few months




.

I guess that isn't exactly accurate either. I'm working smarter than I did when I was in my 30s. I'm getting more than 2 hours of sleep most nights. I'm taking better care of myself and my health. When I'm feeling really, really broken or exhausted I stop for a bit. I've said “no” to a few things. So maybe not quite like I did when I was in my 30s, but...long days, 7 days a week most of the time...working hard, working constantly.

There is another difference. More of the work is either “for” me, or what I'm increasingly seeing as the “right” kind of work. That also means there is less money involved – certainly for most of it there isn't a financial paycheque, but it pays in other ways.

August, September, October, even into November there was a chunk of work going into the yard – the building of my little permaculture paradise. The harvesting of what was a pretty meager bunch of stuff this year – for all the planting I did, all the annual seeds, with the crazy weather and the extreme wet, very little thrived. The trees and the perennials did, and that was more important to me this year. But not so much the things I thought I'd be harvesting. There was also the things I did to help a neighbour or two in their gardens, and what they so generously let me harvest from their bounty. Or what they harvested and then gifted excess to us. All of that needed to be processed or packed away so that it didn't go to waste, and as little as there may have been it ate up a lot of time. The more of your own food you create the closer to a full time job it becomes, but hey, eating is of pretty prime importance on my list.

Circumstances and events also have me providing more care for some local animals, chief cook and chambermaid as it were. This is something I'm happy to do, no matter the time it takes. The time spent is invaluable, important and has its own set of rewards. It won't be forever, and I have the time to give, so it is what I choose to do. No obligations, no expectations, it is just the right thing to do. And there is no questioning the appreciation I receive in return – I'm making a difference, however small.

I had thought this was going to be a quiet time, so I decided to take a course as well, during this period. Well, it turns out it wasn't a quiet time, but I'd already committed to the course, so...

Then there was the fact that I lucked into a really great part-time job, which also does provide a paycheque, and makes a difference in my day-to-day. I get to work with some great people and it offers me a lot to learn. It gets me introduced to a bit of the local community. Not to mention it is in an absolutely delicious environment...cheese has always been one of my favourite food groups!

I've even had a little bit of wig building work – again, grateful for that for both the income it provides and for keeping my skills intact. Plus knotting is still something I very much enjoy.

 

Through all of this, I've been putting in a lot of work on Elfworks. I've been trying to get some things photographed, supposedly for getting more things up on the website, which hasn't happened, but I'm not giving up just yet. I was accepted into the Museum of Dufferin's annual Holiday Treasures show again this year, and I was determined to have at least a few new designs beyond a few new pewter pieces for it. I did, in fact, manage to design and execute some new product, and a few new designs. I've been trying to keep up with photographing things in process, both for publication here and for more detailed articles that I put up on my Patreon Page https://www.patreon.com/elfworksstudios . 

 

So, I have been writing, I've just missed writing here – I put up at least 2 things per month on the Patreon page, though I strive for more. I have a number of half-researched articles I'm working on for that being kicked into shape, if more slowly than I'd like. And while I did miss a few weeks, I've also been trying to keep up my social media posts on Facebook and Instagram as best I can. 

 

So all in all, I guess it isn't all that surprising that this blog got away from me, though I certainly didn't mean to let it happen. I'm picking up the torch again, and will strive to keep up. I'm not sure things have quieted down all that much, but I seem to have a slightly better handle on some of them. A few things are finished up and some have just become a little more manageable. I'm working on an exciting new project for Elfworks, that I can't talk about just yet, and I'm very pleased with how well it is coming along. I have plans for a number of other projects once it is finished, and we are continuing to work on the forge space. The winter months will likely also see some more space renovations get underway, opening up lots of new opportunities and possibilities for making.

 

I look forward to telling you more about the ups and downs here, and whats going on. I'll make every effort to get back to regular postings and keep those who are interested in following along in the loop. If I don't get back here before then, I wish everyone the happiest of Holiday seasons, whatever you celebrate (even if all you celebrate is having some time off.)

Every Now and Every Then

Knowing when you need to focus outwards on the world around you and when to acknowledge it but remain focused on where you are and what you are doing is a horrible tightrope to walk. Those outside your inner realms will often jump up and down and accuse you of being selfish and uncaring. But sometimes, you need to be true not only to yourself, but to all of those who have shown you support and encouraged you to do what you do. Taking everything on and taking everything to heart can't be done. We are very small creatures in a very big world, and an even bigger universe.

But how do you know when you are hiding from what is happening and when you are honouring what needs to be done?  

The first part of this post was written ages ago, but I think it is pertinent to the times.  The continuing and ever changing wave of pandemic pressures and uncertainties.  Things may be "opening up" but everyone is going to have to continue to navigate a "new normal" unless they are willfully ignoring the realities of things - as some always will.  I don't think it is time even for the "new normal" to begin, but I understand everyone's need to believe it is here.

In July of this year I was pretty much a lump.  I had been very active for the first 6 months, working on everything - from garden to digital ventures, creating to cataloguing,  writing to fiddling.  When July hit, it all came crashing down.  My 2nd vaccine took me out for a few days.  Then I twisted something - my ankle I think.  It was rainy, I was tired and sore and I just never got up to speed.  I kept doing things that gave me twinges - sore wrist, sore ankle again, sore legs.  Some of that is probably because with all the other things that stopped in July, I also stopped stretching every morning.  Probably, I just needed a break.  

The one thing I did do plenty of in July was read.  I put aside the pile of non-fiction I'm working through and gave in to a host of old favourites from my fiction shelves.  It gave me a chance to reset a little, and I managed (mostly) to ignore the ticking of the clock of the time I have to get things done! and the voice in the back of my head telling me to get up and get at it.

It helped me to refocus, to get energized for some projects that didn't involve all things growing.  It eased me into revisiting things I realize once or twice a year and then seem to promptly forget or ignore.  Things I often write about here, but having given it a glancing acknowledgement then fail to put into practice.  (Like, maybe if I gave myself a day off every once in a while I would be less likely to need to fall down for a whole month?)

So far, August has been closer to the norm - I'm working on prototyping some new pieces, getting work done outside when weather permits, trying to get back to writing, photographing, cataloguing etc.  I'm trying not to push too hard, trying not to feel rushed.  I'm not back into my pile of non-fiction just yet, but I'm continuing to devour stories, myths and legends.  Every time I reset, I try to do a little better, on some level at least.

The world is filled with uncertainty, fear, impatience, desperation - not that it is anything new, but it is more palpable than usual.  This pandemic has made a lot of people turn all those things that they are feeling into anger, and outrage.  There are a lot of soapboxes that have been getting a lot of use lately.  Many of the things people are choosing to use as a focus for that anger are things that they really should be angry about, things that should outrage us all.  It will be interesting to see how many people remain committed to those causes if they get any sort of normal back.  Yes, that was only very slightly related to where I started, but this is how my brain meanders through what passes for my thinking process.

So, how do you know when you are hiding and when you are honouring what needs to be done?  Well, the answer will be a little different for everyone I expect.  One of the things that I've come to believe is that you have to take some time and some space for starters.  Take a good look at what you are labelling something as "needs to be done."  Needs to be done for whom?  Needs to be done for why?  Take a moment and look at the word needs - decide if it is an accurate description.

  

Every now and then we need to hide, sometimes it is the right thing to do.  Every now and then, we need to take a deep breath and screw our courage to the sticking place, and get out there and do it anyway.  Every now is an opportunity to step back and take stock, take a good look and make a decision.  If you let others decide for you, no matter how well-intentioned, looking back at every then could be a regret on some level.  You can't do everything, none of us can.  What you can do, is make what you do count, for yourself at the very least. 

Working In Increments

I love being a jack-of-many-trades. I don't say all because there are a lot of things I can't do and don't even try to. It does have its downsides though. One of the things about finding so many things absolutely fascinating is you want to do them all. Ideally you want to do them all well. I love learning about things, and I love getting lost in what I'm doing. Unfortunately almost everything I love to do, or would love to do takes time and practice to build the skills. The more time you put in, the better you get. Regularly practicing and building skills is a rewarding and exciting thing to do.

But when you are interested in practically everything, how do you fit it all in?

I will spend my lifetime trying to find a decent balance between all the things I like to do, and probably never really succeed. That is okay, I'm having a good time along the way, and every baby step in each of the areas leads somewhere. It is frustrating at times, to say the least. There are plenty of times when one of the worst bits is trying to pick the thing you are going to spend time on. Sometimes the weather will help you make the choice, sometimes time and circumstance will help you out (if it is 3am and you need to pick something to practice and everyone else is sound asleep, something loud is probably not your best choice, as one example.) Energy levels and focus can play a factor too. If I'm really physically spent, going out to the forge might not be my best bet. Carving is probably a better choice.

There are times when you realize that there are things you've pushed down the list for too long. Not that they aren't interesting anymore, just that they have been less immediate. And the balance shifts again.

One good example of this that is glaring at me just now is drawing. Drawing – or at least being able to sketch almost coherently – is actually pretty important in most of the things I do. I'm really pretty bad at it, and I know so many incredible visual artists that it takes a lot of muster for me to put pencil to paper. My partner came up with a great solution. (I may have talked about this before.) He realized that one of the things holding me back was that fine line on that glaringly beautiful white expanse of paper. I got intimidated by the page. After a dinner at one of those roadhouse restaurants where they have kraft paper on the table with a cup full of crayons in which we were discussing design ideas and I was doodling with abandon, he came up with a manilla sketchpad and a box of crayons as a gift for me. It worked like a treat for a while. I spent hours doodling in the pad, and came up with a few not-too-shabby design ideas that were rendered in a fairly coherent manner.

For the last long while though, they've been gathering dust by my corner of the couch, abandoned. I realized the other day that it's been so long since I put anything into my shop sketchbook that I wasn't sure where it was. Probably not a good sign. Not that I haven't been making anything, but I certainly haven't made any notes on it or drawn any of the things I've been making. So while I've gotten better at stretching and practicing my fiddle, and made some strides with getting out to the shop I haven't done a lick of carving or sketching for months on end.

I'm beginning to realize, though, that that is okay. Things have their seasons, and as the wheel turns everything gets its time. I'm not abandoning anything, and sometimes, I find that the space of a rest has let the the information I gained in the previous flurry of activity settle into one more notch of understanding in both my brain and my hands. I can't give everything an hour or two a day – there just aren't enough hours in the day, nor do I have anywhere near that much energy. So everything gets its turn, and each skill gets built (sometimes frustratingly) slowly, but it increases nonetheless. Sometimes its about remembering why you are doing it and most especially, not comparing your progress to the skills of others.

Finding "Calendar Identity"

 In going through the things I've written but not published, I'm finding that there are a number of pieces that are out of context now.  This was one of them...and yet, in reading it and reflecting, I think I've learned a lot.  Once again, I'll italicize the post as it was written (in July of 2018!) and then reflect on what I've learned in the new circumstances of the pandemic world.

I sit here 3 weeks in to my Summer At Home in a mild panic. My personal deadline for a business project is looming, and likely to pass yet again, unfinished again. I have yet to MAKE anything this summer. I have a wig job that I am working on – which is great, but means I am trying to fit everything else in my life into about 3 or 4 hours in a day. And I see my pattern. I am still letting it happen. I see my mistakes, but I am torn.

This transition I've been trying to make, these transitions...in part my difficulty is my identity. I was always an army of one, and I was surprisingly, fairly efficient. I could work stupid amounts and accomplish more in an afternoon than should have been realistic (sometimes). But I am getting older and I don't want to do that anymore. And that is certainly part of it. Realizing limitations.

Another part, though, a part that is harder to recognize and reconcile is finding middle ground for my new identity. Particularly in terms of prioritizing my schedule. It is easy when I have “work” - standard work – a theatre contract or a wig job or a demonstration. There is an outside schedule imposed.

My partner is a successfully self-employed blacksmith – has been for a lifetime – pretty much the bulk of his working lifetime. And that means working 6 or 7 days a week – as much on communications and research and background and paperwork as in the shop – usually more. In many ways we have very similar lives – (I too have always worked an average of 6 or 7 days a week, for example), and we each have kept our own lives – largely. We enjoy each other's company and try to spend some time together – often on work projects or work related ones. And this whole partnership thing has been a big learning curve for me, and boy am I still learning.

Here is where I run into trouble with my own business, my own time, my own identity. In my “down” time, the time that is not scheduled by the outside world, when I'm working on making things and my business and making my new life my time is pretty flexible. I have long lists, as we all do, of things I want and or need to get done. The trouble is, in part, that I'm allowing them to be driven by my partner's schedule. Often because it involves cool fun things that I want to do. Like going to Scotland to work on projects. Or going to opening ceremonies for art events that he is involved in. Or doing Iron Smelting or Experimental Archeology projects that may or may not involve travel and/or gatherings at our home studio.

So, I set my schedule by the outside world and by my partner's schedule. Which should not present a problem, but unless I am very conscious of it all the time it gets away from me. I end up fitting everything into the margins, including my business. Hence the lack of progress on my projects. I don't put my business first, (or myself.)

It is hard to take my business out of the margins, because it provides me with no guarantees. It has proven to have far greater expenses than incomes, so far. I work at my jobs in part, to support my business...because I love it. Through my artwork I grow and learn and change and discover. And that is worth the price to me. And maybe it is part of the problem. I wouldn't be the first person to self-sabotage in order to avoid enough success to change the nature of something from joy to drudgery.

I have to learn to change that, though. I have to take this business out of the margins and put it in the content. In the table of contents and the index – or I will never be able to create the life I am striving for.

It should be simple enough, you say. Schedule tasks in hours and stick to the schedule, just as if it were a paying, clock your time job. Easier said than done, but re-identifying the problem it is what I will try. Not 8am-4pm work on business. That won't work. Not for me. But maybe Tuesday 9 -10 write for business. 2- 3 work on grounds. Sunday 11-12 work on photographs. Break it into 1 or 2 hour bites that can be shifted and managed.

The other tool I am using is a time log. A very loose time log – but in order to keep track of what I am really doing, I am making a loose accounting of my day and how the hours are spent. The categories are very broad, but the benefit is that at the end of the day I can see where the time went. Often the day is over and I feel like I accomplished nothing. Yet, I am bone tired. The time log, when I look at it tells me, yes, you actually put in x hours today, and this is how it was broken down. And at the end of a week or a month I can see how much time I actually put in on my business (for example). A little like tracking your expenses in order to make a realistic budget.

So, does this still apply after 15 odd months of being home in a pandemic?  Well, not so much, though I'm not quite sure the take is an entirely unbiased look.  It turns out that after a rest period I have worked on the business steadily.  Given time and space in my brain and a chance to re-energize, I've gotten a lot off of my to-do list.  However, I need to keep in mind the fact that there was virtually no outside schedule to conflict.  There was nothing in my partner's schedule that could distract me.

I haven't made as much new stuff as I think I should have, but I have made pieces.  I have managed to build an e-commerce website, do a lot of product photography, revise and improve my inventory system, build and maintain a Patreon page, write (somewhat) more regular blog posts, do a lot of work on organizing my spaces (and my forge space has been pulled apart entirely re-modelled and re-assembled


!) and making them workable and start "advertising" by creating a much more consistent social media presence.  I've made huge strides in the work I'm doing on the grounds here, spent a lot of time digging and planting and making the space more versatile and abundant.  I've had time both for myself and to spend with my partner (and, of course, the cat.)  I've been given a reminder of what I can do without and given a much more comprehensive picture of what the cost of living and maintaining the business is if I'm just here all the time.  It has given me a clear snapshot of the financial cost as well as the time and energy cost of maintaining multiple careers.

So...what I've learned is that things are possible, and most of the struggle with my "calendar identity" comes from having too many slots to fit into each day.  It is not that I didn't know that this was a big part of the problem, I just thought that there were way more factors playing a much bigger part as well. All this has given me a lot of food for thought, and let me step back and see the forest as well as the trees.   Once again, I am shown that perspective changes everything.